Monthly Archives: April 2015

The “why” and the “what” of April 19, 1995

April 19, 1995

April 19, 1995

20 years. That’s how long it has been since my world was turned upside down, inside out. That’s how long since so many lives were forever changed by the heartless acts of a domestic terrorist in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. 168 people died that day in the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building at 200 NW 5th Street. 168 men, women, and children, husbands, fathers, wives, mothers. This weekend, 100’s of us will gather together on the ground where my “home away from home” once stood and remember our loved ones. But we will have something else on our mind during that time. It will not be just the past and the dead that we will be pondering. We will also be thinking about our present and our future and the living. We will be looking at those who are standing around us and marveling at the resilience of life. In our office alone, (DEA 9th floor) I am aware of the births of at least a dozen children and grand children borne by survivors. Out of the ashes of death, life blooms. In places where it seems only darkness can live, survivors manage to defy those odds. They get married. They have families. They graduate. They get jobs and promotions. They love and they grow. They retire. They continue to work and be passionate. They live on. They just live.

When I woke up on April 19, 1995, I fully expected to go on with my day, business as usual. But that was not to be the case. I simply cannot describe the feeling, the emotions and the devastation that consumed me standing in the rubble at the base of my building, trying to organize my thoughts, the names and faces rolling through my head: Who’s dead? Who’s alive? The tears streaming down my face were mixed with the sweat procured after sprinting from a meeting 4 blocks away to the sight I now beheld in grievous disbelief.

If you talk to anyone who survives a disaster, a car crash, a battle field, a bombing, while others they know and love perish, then you are certainly familiar with the term “survivor guilt.” In the weeks to follow, I know that I struggled with this. And 100’s of others did as well. Not just those of us who worked in the building. But also the rescue workers who spent hours recovering the bodies and endangering their own lives to do so. So many struggled with the question “Why them and not me?” And truly, when someone would say to me, “God must have a plan for you,” it would dig the knife in a little bit deeper. After all, did God not have a plan for my beloved friends? Did he not have a plan for the children? But I knew then (and now) that it is so difficult to know what to say to someone who has suffered a great loss. I know because I have been the one attempting to offer words of encouragement to others as often as I have been on the receiving end. I love and appreciate all who care so much for me that they struggle with what to say in my hour of need. So it was that after the bombing as recovery efforts continued to deliver us the news one by one of the names of those found in the rubble that day, I found myself contemplating the “why” and the “what!”

The “why:” As I sit here, incredibly 20 years later, I wish I could give you a reasonable and enlightened answer for the “why.” Why did Timothy McVeigh do what he did? Why did my best friend, or my spouse, or my child have to die like that? Why why why? I can’t. Sometimes you just can’t explain such evil and devastation. It has been going on for 1000’s of years, and I am sure it will continue as long as there is the will of some (or many) to pervert a civil society. In the same way, any tragedy that ruthlessly befalls us-the loss of a child, divorce, hurt, betrayal-the “why” can plague us, paralyze us, and break us. And truly, though I cannot answer the “why,” I do know that the unending pursuit for “why” will likely render us hopeless and helpless. It can and will pluck the fruit from our tree and rob us of our peace. At some point we must simply put one foot forward, forcibly if necessary, and trust in the Creator that indeed He has an “eye” on us. And moreover in this world, He has the last word.

The “what:” I can’t answer the “why,” but ironically because of that, I am compelled to ask “what?” What must I do now? In the immediate aftermath of the bombing, that was different for all of us. The “what” included grieving. It included supporting the families of the fallen, attending funerals, burying the dead, gathering up the physical remains of our office files, counseling, rebuilding, and the list went on and on. As the days turned into years, the “what” turned into- continue to do my job well, take care of each other, celebrate babies, birthdays, graduations, communions, baptisms, live life, retire, and perhaps even suffer more loss. Because as we know all too well, loss is an inevitable part of living.

So this Sunday, as we reflect and celebrate those loved ones who have died, we will look around and consider the living. We’ll say things like, “I can’t believe how much she’s grown,” or “Congratulations on retirement,” or “Have you seen his grand kids? They are adorable.” And in those moments whether we realize it or not we will have achieved the “what.” Presently we have answered the question we were posed 20 years ago-the most important question of all, not the “why” question, but the “what!” As one of my dear friends told me once, “when something goes wrong, we do the next right thing.” That’s the “what.” The next right thing. In that we honor our lost loved ones and we also find a great measure of healing.

I will see many people this week that I love like family though we don’t actually share DNA. They have suffered much. And while it’s true that many of us have suffered with survivor guilt, there is truly nothing to feel guilty about. We have continued to work hard. We have had beautiful children. We have taught others well. We have remembered our lost loved ones, each in our own way, and we share those stories with our children, their namesakes, who will continue to do the same. We have lived lives of integrity, examples of goodness and perseverance. Now what will we do in the next 20 years? Much of the very same thing I hope. Always remembering and always moving forward.

Psalm 27:13-14 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord.
Be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.

Shades of Darkness

Shattered This is an unofficial review of the book “Fify Shades of Gray,” and so can be applied to same movie. Here are my disclaimers. I didn’t read the book or see the movie. Not my genre of course. But I did extensive reviews and read trailers so that I could formulate a response to many of the pervading questions and arguments about and in favor of the book with some measure of insight. If that obliterates my credibility for you, then don’t read the blog. That’s the advantage of living in an age of information. Like you, I get irritated when someone slams the book but doesn’t read it. Or when someone slams a church, but doesn’t visit it. But I can assure you that is not the story here. I just can’t bring myself to read it completely through. Sort of for the same reason I don’t feast on donuts and sausage biscuits every morning for breakfast. It’s not healthy. I didn’t read the book for the same reason I don’t binge on food or drugs or alcohol. It’s just not good for me. So I have heavily leaned on this age of information in which we live. Also if you are not a bible reader, don’t be put off by the references in this blog. They directly apply and respond to to some of the questions I am answering that have been proffered by others. The truth is you should read this if you are a mother of a son, a mother of a daughter or a mother-period. You should read it if you are in a sexual relationship or plan to be at some time in your life. Trust me. It applies.

Garbage in garbage out. And that’s not simply because of the sexually explicit material. One of the reasons I wouldn’t read this or allow my girls to read it, is the same reason I vetoed a lot of Nickelodeon TV when they were little, and that is: It dumbs us down. I want my girls to be smarter than all of that. The other reasons of course are explicit. And in 100% fairness to my three teenagers, they didn’t want to read the book either or see the movie.

So I have been privy to the observations of some who say this book (movie) is no different than the scenes depicted in the Song of Solomon in the bible. The book is nothing like Song of Songs in the bible-apples and oranges. Song of Songs is very erotic, but rated G compared to this, and it isn’t the erotica that is so repelling and appalling, but rather, the book is about dominance and S&M. (Sadism and Masochism) and BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, S&M) It is about a guy (very self controlling and neurotic man) who wants the girl (a virgin) to sign a contract before entering into a sexual relationship with him. And why? 1 So that she promises to not speak to anyone about what they do together, and 2 so that there can be no legal concerns for him. First she just has sex with him, then she gets “spanked,” and then she allows him to beat her with a belt. I am pretty sure the story goes down hill from there. Her “best friend” does nothing but encourage her to stay in the relationship. Remind me to dump a best friend like that!

So in other words, the same behavior which would land you in jail otherwise (physical assault) is okay when in the confines of a consensual relationship? And how does one determine when something is truly consensual? Is it only age, 18 and over, really? In this case, the girl was 20 or 21, a virgin, and the man older and obviously more sexually experienced and more worldly.

Here are some excerpts of critic reviews which I find compelling to the extent that I can’t believe how naive educated people can be:

A reviewer on the “feminist-friendly website Jezebel” wrote: “Our consensus: the book is pretty ridiculous — for every lashing there’s an ‘OMG!’ — but if it’s making more women feel comfortable discussing their sexuality, we’re all for it.”

Okay so let me understand this: it’s NOT okay for Ray Rice to slap his fiancée around in an elevator (and it is NOT okay) but IF he had slapped her around within the confounds of a “consensual” relationship, that exact same behavior would be okay? Beating another person, is never okay. We have a term for that! It’s called domestic abuse. I also love how we confuse consensual with complicit in this case. I don’t think the female character in the book was so much consensual as she was complicit in the acts committed against her. She was young naive and ignorant. In my book, that makes her far more complicit than it does consensual! Those are two words that we often confuse, one-complicit-which we almost completely ignore and two-consensual-which we abuse and exploit when it’s convenient to support our position on domestic abuse, or in the question of whether or not sex is consensual.

The New Zealand Herald: “But it was also an easy read and if you can suspend your disbelief and your desire to – if you’ll pardon the expression – slap the heroine for having so little self respect, you might enjoy it.” Unbelievably degrading. I hardly have anything to add to that highly NON-intelligent quote from such a profound journalist.

Would you want your daughter in a relationship like this? Would that be what you hope for her? Each time I see a statement like the former: “If you can suspend your disbelief and your desire to – if you’ll pardon the expression – slap the heroine for having so little self respect, you might enjoy it,” I think of my own daughters. Replace the word “heroine” in that sentence with your daughter’s name. Shelby, Halle, Katie! Now say that statement again-aloud substituting the word heroine with your own child’s name!

To be completely fair, there were as many negative reviews on the book as there were positive. But those negative reviews were split differently in their positions. Many of them objected on moral issues, while others objected solely on the literary issue that the book was poorly written, but didn’t necessarily take moral issue with the content.

Okay so for those of you who wrestled with a connection to “Song of “Solomon.” The latter book in the Old Testament is a story about love and erotica: “it makes a connection between conjugal love and sex, a very important and very biblical connection to make.” (The Message narrative)

1. The connection between love and erotica.Both are absolutely essential in a romantic relationship, particularly marriage. This connection is for all intents and purposes, absent in the book.
2. There is not one example of BDSM in the romantic relationship of Song of Solomon. It definitely has elements of submission, but by all accounts both people appear to be fully submitted to one another sexually and both smitten by the other. The only example of violence in the book is in chapter 5 verse 7. When she goes to look for her lover and is accosted by the guards of the watch tower, she is beaten by them. Scripture does not say why, but women in 900 something-BC when this book was written were not considered safe roaming the streets at night. They were extremely vulnerable. And if they were found alone roaming the streets as she was disoriented and searching frantically for her husband, then she would be considered, to say the least, vulnerable. There is absolutely No evidence whatsoever in this passage of BDSM or of her lover beating her. YET that is the entire premises of the book “50 Shades.”
3. Another interesting element: The male in the book requires the aforementioned contract from the girl-one agreeing to a consensual relationship of total submission and beatings. I love the contrast. Jesus invites us into a covenant relationship, one also of total submission to Him, but it is not one where we are to be bruised and battered physically and emotionally. It is one where we are loved (Matthew 11:28-30-and John 8) The John 8 Passage hits close to home-about the woman caught in adultery. The Pharisees wanted to stone her, (sounds like the book,) but Jesus loved her and you know what happened-He turned the finger back on her accusers. And His last words recorded to this woman were some of the most graceful in scripture “…then neither do I condemn you, go now and leave your life of sin.” What love and grace is that? And don’t forget the Samaritan woman in John chapter 4. No one else would talk to her but Jesus. He did, and told her “I am the living water. Drink from me and you will never thirst again.” This is the contractual covenant that Jesus invites us into; it is one that maintains our self-respect in spite of who we are. It is one that loves us and invites us to make intelligent decisions, be strong women, and to administer grace to others, but never at the expense of our self respect. And He does not expect us to be doormats in order to have the sexual relationship due us. He never ever expects us to be beaten, mistreated, or abused in exchange for HIS love. It does not in any way dumb us down or ask us to submit ourselves to gross perversity or disgrace or, God forbid, physical abuse.

4. Okay, the popularity of the book cannot be denied. Why do women love this? Let’s explore that question, for as it is with anything, we cannot hammer others with the truth. It is highly unlikely it will be received in the spirit that we want it to be, so we need to invest and go deeper, figuring out the FIRST problem that apparently distorts the truth for them so much that they have a desire for something as perverse and aberrant as the suggestions in this book (not just spiritually, but culturally perverse as well) and why does it seem “okay and normal” for them? Women who love this book may be trying to fill a huge void of some sort. Something from their upbringing, their marriage, or their life. The problem is they see the book as part of the remedy. I see it (like porn for men) as perpetuating and intensifying the first problem(s).

On that note, a LOT of the critics who praise this book, praise it saying that it finally helps women, (not just men) get what they want in their sexual relationships. (And I am thinking this is what they want, beatings, and physical/emotional battering?) BUT nevertheless, I suspect there is something to this. After all, I was raised by grandparents who not only did not discuss sex with me, but also taught me that sex was intended solely for reproducing offspring, not intended for enjoyment. (No I’m not kidding!) So had God not intervened, I may have entered into marriage never speaking my mind or saying what I want or enjoy. I suspect that 1000s of women who are reading these books have been sexually suppressed in one way, one form or another. My answer for them, is wake up! Ask questions! If you are married start by talking to your husband about how you feel about you sex life. Get counseling if necessary. Do that first before reading this ridiculously stupid book that teaches you little to nothing about a happy healthy sex life, but a LOT about how to NOT have a normal, happy, vibrant, reciprocal, passionate sex life.

And if you do choose to read the book or see the movie, please don’t let your kids (or teenagers) see it. They can make that decision when they are your age! Finally, and this is for all of the “experts, Christians, non-Christians, and anyone else who has the mind to consider this question: Is this where women’s rights and pursuing our equalities has led us? Really? To be objects of abuse and contempt? Is this what we have arrived at in the 21st century? Women have struggled for equality, for recognition in the corporate world, the church, the home? And after all of that, this is what we have to be thankful for? The liberty of joining in on a supposed consensual relationship of BDSM?? God help us if this is a measuring stick to redefine the relationship between lovers or the progress of women’s rights! I can’t believe that anyone with any sense would say that is progress.