Monthly Archives: February 2020

Jesus as the 3rd Alternative

Too often the way we live our lives lowers the bar of expectation. We need to remember whose we are. If we live our lives in a way that rises up only as far as is necessary in meeting the standards set by the world around us, (ie ungodly friends or associates, social networking, the media, or sin that entangles us), then not only are we not honoring God’s call in our life but we are cheating ourselves out of the best life He has for us. (John 10:10 ). This goes for all of us, whether you profess Christianity or not. Remember whose we are. Live THAT life.  And once we establish that for ourselves, we can more easily make a decision to parent that way as well.  Encouraging our kids to live a life free from the tyranny of their culture and a legalistic religion, both of which are void of depth in relationships, will propel them farther in life and toward success than you and I could ever imagine. I would humbly and joyfully submit to you this: You have a 3rd alternative in parenting. You can choose Jesus. 

Graphic Art Creds: Emma Gulitti Content: The Author

Faith in Culture: Our culture is pushing arrogance and egotism onto our kids at alarming levels. This narcissistic model for teaching empowerment is hardly a worthy prototype for moving our kids towards a life full of healthy relationships and successful and joyful living. This alternative lies to them. But how? By teaching them that they are the center of their universe. That everyone and everything revolves around him! It’s a cruel joke in the end, as soon as they realize they are not the center of the universe. Ambiguity and confusion along with a lack of absolute truth about who they are intrinsically, leads them to real disappointment. A disappointment that fails to encourage service to others, compassion and generosity, truthfulness, and a strong work and leadership ethic. Impulsiveness is the name of the game. Reactive versus proactive. Reckless endangerment of their mental health and sadly, the mental and emotional health of others. “If it feels good, then I can do it,” or “If it feels good, then I can be it,” is the pervading message of our culture. But the world we live in, carefully and strategically, wraps all of this up in a package, which on the outside says something nice about your right to be whoever and whatever you want to be. Indeed, a tenet we have employed in raising our own girls. But not at the expense of teaching them who God says they are first. The problem is when you peel back the layers of this first alternative, you find no person standing in your corner when you’re losing. No one cheering you on when you’re winning. Just a shallow selfless way of living that leaves you alone and empty.

Faith in Religion: Tolerance or Religion VS. Grace. A pastor friend of mine, Dan, once said “Tolerance is a cheep and flimsy virtue compared to robust examples of grace like patience, hospitality, justice, kindness, and love.” Grace is something that falls out of “true religion” that is revealed to us in James 1:27: “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” Discouraging you from teaching your child to place her faith in religion, does not mean there is no such thing as a conversion experience, a moment we all must have when we commit our lives to Christ. Or else, did Christ die for nothing? No, not at all. But imploring your child to check off all the appropriate boxes in order to save her soul, at the expense of teaching her that true faith is characterized by a personal relationship in Jesus, is flat wrong. Do this, and you can add her to the ever growing list of church casualties that fill the pews of our churches, and the halls of our government offices, schools, and homes. Don’t fall victim to this distorted view of your child’s faith. Jesus wasn’t just a 1st century program for the new covenant church. The bible is the sum of all its parts and more. It is a story about a Savior. And in that story, Jesus  was in the beginning, the middle and the end (John 1:1 Revelations 22:13) And that story didn’t end on the island of Patmos at the end of Revelations. Not nearly. This story is still ongoing. We are all part of it. Where do you see yourself in that story? Your answer to that is critical in understanding the need for us to read the bible as seekers and not cavilers. For teaching our kids true faith in Jesus and not just our version of religion.

Faith in Jesus: The exponentially cool thing about teaching your child to place his faith in Jesus, is that Jesus won’t fail him. No we don’t teach a prosperity gospel, or a “hard times will never come to you if you only believe,” gospel. Not even. Faith in Jesus means faith in someONE that never changes, never fails, even when the world or people in your life fail you. And they will. Jesus stands unmovable. “God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain.” Hebrews 6:18-19

Whether we want to admit it or not, the previous decades leading up to our “here and now” have led our kids down multiple stray paths. Where they choose to place their faith matters. What you teach them about where to place their faith matters. I would ask you to humbly and with an open spirit, consider the faith alternatives I have proposed here. This isn’t something I made up. Nor is it something that will be unfamiliar to you. All I did was put it in perspective in the form of a visual graphic. As parents, early on, (as early as possible), we can choose the 3rd alternative. We can make a decision to point them down a path that allows them to live a life of abundance, even in sorrow and hardship, that the other two reigning alternatives simply cannot do for them. And if you are reading this in the later stages of parenting, stop, take a breath, and regroup. It’s never too late to engage your children with truth coupled with unconditional love. It’s never too late to “Do The Next Right Thing.” It’s never too late to offer them the 3rd alternative: A life with Jesus.

Galatians 5:1 says: “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” If only we could see how those first two alternatives put a strangle hold on our children, a “yoke of slavery,” and how Jesus just wants to set them free from that.

Why Teaching Our Kids Self-Advocacy Is So Dang Important!

From The Author’s Photo Library

If your kids are like mine, they grew up with plenty of what they needed. Well, don’t get me wrong. Ours had plenty of chores to do. They volunteered a ton. They had lots of homework and extracurricular activities that required personal responsibility and time management. But still, we did a lot of stuff for them. I made doctor’s appointments, negotiated the bills, cooked hundreds of meals, which they gladly consumed, washed endless loads of laundry, and goodness, the “taxi” driving we did for them. Meg Meeker, MD, a renowned pediatrician and parenting expert said, “Never do for your kids what they can do themselves.” I think that is great advice. Why? Because as parents, we already, inherently complete a ton of tasks for our children that frankly they can’t do for themselves, at first. But, if we never let them do anything on their own, (age and stage appropriate), we are doing them a ginormous disservice. Who knows? Maybe even putting their life at risk. Scary stuff I know.

It became magnanimously apparent to me, this need for teaching our children self-advocacy, when we started parenting young adults.

Example 1: Recently, our youngest daughter, a college sophomore, was immersed in a very difficult situation at her job. The truth was written on the wall in plain language. She needed to confront a superior about some serious issues involving the amount of work and hours she and her co-workers were putting in. And she did. But she vacillated for several weeks before calling that meeting, while many of her young co-workers waited in the wings to see the outcome of her courage. 

That’s the irony of self-advocacy. Sometimes it just effects the one taking a stand. Still, other times, self-advocacy impacts a whole lot of other people.

Example #2 My middle daughter recently had a serious of doctors’ appointments necessary to treat a serious dermatological issue she was having. Newsflash. Over 18-year old’s have to handle all their own medical needs, appointments, and prescriptions. Because, well, they are of legal age to do so. No one is going to talk to Mom or Dad without a special release of information on file. It doesn’t matter if they are in college and still on your insurance plan. Same for the bursar’s office at their respective college. Doesn’t matter that you are dropping 1000’s of dollars into an account in your child’s name each semester. You don’t have an automatic right anymore to know a thing about their tuition bills or their grades. So, when my girl left the doctor without gathering important information concerning her follow up appointments, logistical chaos ensued. It was a hard lesson learned about the need to advocate for herself.  

The truth is I know adults much older than my 19 and 21-year-old who would never undertake this type of necessary confrontation. They won’t confront a boss with professionalism and confidence to discuss ongoing problems. And they don’t ask the doctor appropriate questions that concern their own health and welfare. Is it such a surprise then, when our young adults struggle with self-advocacy?

In the current pop culture that our children and young adults live and work, it has become more and more of a challenge to expect our kids to advocate for themselves. 

Why?

I’m going to submit two highly plausible reasons for your consideration.

1 Because we DO and we BUY way too much for them when they are growing up. We do stuff that is far outside the scope of what parents should and should not do for their kids. We speak for them when we shouldn’t. Teachers, coaches, youth ministry leaders, doctors, restaurant staff, etc. We “handle” all of their personality conflicts for them! Furthermore, we often spend ridiculous amounts of money on them, (whether it is a special occasion or not), just because they want it? Year after year of that, and boom, you get a young adult whose appetite for self-indulgence can only be satiated with immediate gratification. He doesn’t know how to stand up for himself because his parents never allowed him to experience disappointment. If your kid has no framework for disappointment, that is going to make the real world an overwhelming place for them to survive. They will be out of our house sooner or later. Parents that is not the place or time we want our kids to begin negotiating disappointment.

2 It has become less culturally acceptable to teach our kids prevention. Prevention has become a dirty word for blaming the victim. Which is utter nonsense. For instance, it is critical that we teach our children self-advocacy when it comes to sexual activity or mixing drinking with their social life. We want to equip our girls and boys for what’s heading their way before it clobbers them like an oncoming train. I want my girl to have the tools necessary to maximize her safety and to avoid becoming a victim. That means teaching her prudent ways to manage her social media. It means teaching her that she is worth more than a “like” on a stupid phone. It means teaching her the importance of moderation in drinking alcohol, and the dangers of being drunk and incoherent in social settings. It means teaching her that indiscriminate sexual activity could inflict deep physical and emotional wounds that will leave an indelible mark on her life. We should understand that teaching our kids prevention, means that we are teaching them both self-respect and self-advocacy in a culture that is extremely shallow and unforgiving.

  • Both now and/or later, our kids need to be able to:
  • Order their own food without being rude to a waiter.
  • Have a professional and grace filled confrontation with micro-managing bosses.
  • Talk to their spouse about their personal needs in that relationship.
  • Negotiate a doctor bill that does not sync with the corresponding explanation of benefits from the insurance company.
  • Say NO! when they mean NO!
  • Do for themselves all of the stuff that we have done for them all of these years, laundry, cooking, driving and more.

And they need to understand that they can advocate for not only themselves, but when and where necessary, they can intercede for another person.

Remember the “Me Too Movement”? 

Of course, you do. We all do. Especially us moms. Our hearts broke as the respondents increased day by day by the hundreds of thousands. This sad state of affairs should inspire us as parents to teach our girls and our boys with gazelle intensity how to advocate for themselves and others. Hopefully, all that pain and suffering has not been lost on us. How many fewer, precious souls would be hash tagging “Me Too,” had they been taught more about healthy boundaries in their life and the paramount importance of self-advocacy? 

We can and should equip our kids with the life skills needed for engaging in healthy conflict resolution and confrontation. We can and should equip our kids to speak up for themselves and others, not with arrogance or rudeness, but with professionalism, grace, and confidence. We can and should arm our children with the necessary tools for maximizing their safety and to avoid becoming a victim of someone else’s evil intentions.

We have a choice.

We can emphasize the importance of self-advocacy when raising our children. OR we can hope for the best without teaching these life skills. Clearly, there is no fool proof way of ensuring our child’s safety or success in life. But we can do better than the status quo. We can do better than what has been done up until now. We must. Our child’s physical and emotional health may be hanging in the balance.