All posts by Jude

Christianity, Family Life, Parenting

Parenting With Your Best Friends

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Graphic Art Creds: Katie’s Best Friend Emma Gulitti

The very first tip in my book, Parenting with Gumption and Grit, says this: Don’t go it alone. It’s #1 for a reason. In making an argument for the interconnectedness of all people, English Poet John Donne penned these famous words in a 1623 essay, “No man is an island, entire of itself.” As much as I might sometime like to retreat from the world and everyone in it, I am keenly aware that I simply cannot do life alone. Well, not successfully anyway.

I have never been one to parent that way either.

My husband and I have raised three daughters. It is probably no coincidence, but nevertheless, it is rather funny as I contemplate just how many mothers of my daughters’ best friends have been my best friend. Throughout the years, these dynamic duos, have included Kristine and Tanna; Susan and Abi; Wendy and Alysse, Vanya and Kylie, Shari and Casadi, and Lisa and Emma. Just to name a few. We were a military family, so we moved around a few times as the girls were growing up. It was always hard when we moved, but that was only due to the close relationships we had nurtured and cherished in the place we left behind. It was the same for me and the girls. But as hard as it was to leave, each new arrival found us enveloped once again by moms and daughters ready to take us into the fold. So yeah, as soon as we made landfall, we made friends. And I mean the true blue, steadfast, and resolute kind.

How did that happen?

Well, the truth is you have to be willing to take risks. It requires vulnerability, transparency, and even personal disclosure. And as if that isn’t risky enough, it requires you to actively listen when the other person is being transparent and vulnerable. But this kind of sharing and depth doesn’t just happen the first day you meet someone. These kinds of forever friends are built on a foundation of trust that evolves out of sharing your lives together. For me and my mom friends that meant shared carpools, listing one another as emergency contact persons, birthday parties, graduations, and recently, even weddings! But it also meant late night telephone calls, semi-emergency coffee meetings, and crying on each other’s shoulder. I have sent and received my share of casseroles, hosted more than a few sleepovers, and kept kids when my friend’s husband was on a long deployment, and she just needed a break. Life is just easier when you have others to lean on. It’s also a lot more fun.

This world inflicts deeper wounds than what our individual skill set alone can manage.

We were never meant to shoulder our personal burdens unassisted. That may be a new concept to some of you, but it is true. I cannot imagine navigating this parenting venture solo- 1 without my husband or 2 without my steadfast friends and fellow moms. Who knows better than you how it feels to have your tween, teen, or young adult child break your heart? Another mom that’s who. Who knows better than you how exhausted you are from sleepless nights with a nocturnal infant?  Another mom that’s who. Homework, significant others, discipline issues, joy, and heartbreak. I’ve navigated all of that and more with other mamas, who like me sometimes just need a hand up from someone who understands!

Just a few days ago, my middle daughter Halle flew to Florida between college semesters to visit her precious friend Alysse whom she met over a decade ago when both of their families were living overseas. I know the two of them have weathered many storms together including quarrels with their respective parents. A few days following their visit, I was texting with Alysse’s mom Wendy, sharing prayer requests for both girls. Next week, my friend Kristine is coming for a visit. Her daughter, one of Shelby’s best friends for over 20 years, was married this year. The funny thing about that is, I was there with her in the midst of her struggle with infertility before she became pregnant with Tanna, over 22 years ago. And now here we are. So many years and so many celebrations, calamities, and adventures later, we are still standing. A few grey hairs for sure. But still stronger than ever.

I have navigated some tough, and some joyful seasons with some pretty great moms. And guess what? We are still, all in this together. Some of them live minutes away from me. Some of them, hours. But all of them are an intricate part of my story. Our kids drew us together. Now nothing can draw us apart. Neither time or distance.

We certainly don’t expect a life free of obstacles or pain, right? Of course not. Indeed, we know that is not true. Especially in parenting. Psalm 23; 2 Corinthians 1:3-7; John 14; and Romans 8:26, just to name a few, each of those verses are rife with both trouble and assurance. In each of them we see difficulty surrounded with help. Pain surrounded with healing. Hardship surrounded with relief. Be the one who surrounds another mom with help, healing, and relief. And, be the one who receives that from another mom. She’s the best best friend you’ll ever have. Don’t. Go. It. Alone. That’s an awful lonely island to inhabit.

Christianity, Family Life, Parenting, Stretching ourselves

How Not To Hover And Why It’s So Dangerous

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Photo Creds: Emma Gulitti

Just when I think the term helicopter parent has been exhausted, then I meet another one. Before we talk about the dangers of hovering and how not to be so over-controlling, I think it is important to address why we might be tempted to be so in the first place.

Possible reasons for being a hovering parent, and there could be overlap:

  • You want a different life for them than what you had growing up.
  • You have trauma in your own past. You were hurt by someone you thought you could trust.
  • We are not risk takers ourselves. So why encourage that in our kids?
  • You are a control freak.
  • Your anxiety level is so high you don’t possibly know how you can keep your kid safe.
  • You believe the world owes you, so therefore, they owe your kid as well.
  • Any of the above edges out common sense parenting, leaving hovering as your primary parenting tool.

Let’s be clear. There’s a difference between advocating and hovering. Recently I knew of a young boy who called his mom to pick him up so he didn’t have to go to his sporting practice.  He wasn’t sick. He just didn’t want to go. She did it. She picked him up. That’s hovering. I listened to a birthday prank on the radio this morning. The DJ told the father on the phone that the game system he had purchased for his son for Christmas was on back order. With no other provocation, the dad dropped two expletives 60 seconds into the phone call about how he needed that game system for his son by Christmas. That’s hovering. (And rude). A couple of weeks ago, a young and brand new teacher friend of mine sent a note home to a mama that her daughter had used permanent markers to draw all over the class room bean bag chairs. The chairs were ruined. Mom sent a note back and said “I thought they were supposed to get three warnings.” That’s hovering. How many parents have stormed into public school buildings angrily demanding to know why their kid didn’t get the part or the position or the award he should have. That’s hovering. At the park, I saw a toddler fall down, suffer no physical damage whatsoever, other than wounded pride, and his mom went busting over to rescue him. The rescue consumed at least 5 full minutes and led to the conclusion of play time at the park for the day. That’s hovering. Someone showed up at her son’s job interview. (Literally, this happened). How many times have we given into temptation to shower our college kids with cash at the drop of a hat or been tempted to usurp their abilities to take care of their own college business? That’s hovering. Maybe you over involve yourself in your adult child’s business. You just can’t afford to let them live their own life. They might mess it up. That’s hovering.

As I already mentioned, there is a difference between advocating and hovering. We can and should be advocates for our children. And even our young adults. But did you know that advocating for your child doesn’t just happen in a necessary conversation with another individual about something that concerns your kid? No not even. We advocate best for our kids in conversations we have with them. (Parenting tip # 23 in my book.) Instructional conversations, life giving conversations. Conversations about expectations and consequences. If your daughter attends college 15 hours away from you and goes to an ATM machine at night by herself with an unsavory character lurking nearby, you would be at your advocating best if you were there in the parking lot with her at the time of the event right? Yes for sure. But the conversation you had with her years prior that warned her of the dangers of going to ATM machines alone at night, that was you advocating for her in the anticipation of events yet to happen. Yes, conversations we have with our kids by the truck load-that’s us advocating for them. Newsflash. They are going to be out doing their life away from us, at some point or another, whether we advocated for them in this way or not. If we spent those years hovering rather than advocating, well, it could be a rough ride. If you want your kids to be productive, positive, empowered adults, then when they are young quit bailing them out. (Parenting Tip #10)

The difference between advocating and hovering is measurable and quantifiable. Over controlled kids are more anxious, misguided and have low conflict resolution skills. This equates to problems in the classroom and in personal relationships, perhaps sadly, for years to come. In an article in Psychology today dated August, 2016 by Nathan H. Lents, Ph.D., Dr. Lent states:

“Helicopter parents that seek to shield their children from all forms of adversity are not doing them any favors. Physical exertion, confrontations on the playground, competitions with real winners and real losers, getting minor bumps and bruises, and even periodically experiencing fear are all inducers of acute stress. Falling off of a swing, for example, teaches a kid a variety of lessons that just can’t be learned any other way. If kids are protected from all possible risks when the stakes are low, how will they navigate risk-taking when they are older and the stakes are much higher? While we should all strive to protect children from chronic stress, depriving them of healthy forms of safe stress may leave them unable to deal with stress as adults.”

Kids, whose parents are healthy advocates, are typically better adjusted emotionally. They can navigate disappointment in life, because they have been allowed to be disappointed and even at times, bored. They have not been routinely bailed out. They have had to use their imaginations when they didn’t get every single new thing they wanted for Christmas or their birthday. They are kids, whose parents are not perfect, but neither do they lead lives defined by past hurt, trauma or failure. Advocating means these parents choose not to teach or discipline or love their kids through the lenses of comparison, bank accounts, fear, entitlement or bitterness. Parents who advocate for their children verses hovering realize that their child’s love for them is not fragile. They know that just because they discipline them for falling out of line, doesn’t mean their kid will fall out of love with them. Advocating versus hovering. It’s critical that we can distinguish between the two. It can make a world of difference in the adult your child becomes down the road.