Category Archives: Family Life

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!

Art work by Emma Gulitti

I think most of us categorize lying right at the top of the worst offenses our kids can do. I mean getting out of their chores or whining or fighting with their sibling or not sharing, are all things we see as NORMAL right? But lying?? Ahhhh! Our morality meter pegs immediately. There is just something about lying that sets us off and increases our parenting fear! “What’s going on with my child that she would LIE?” We go 0 to 60 in our irrational thoughts from them being a lying little 6 year old scamp to a homeless con artist at 20. But honestly as rotten an offense as it is, and clearly needs addressing, we must be careful not to go haywire over making it any worse a “sin” or offense as other things like selfishness, not sharing, refusing to do homework or wash the dishes. Lying is not that uncommon in kids, and it’s not unusual for one sibling to struggle with it and another one not to. We also tend to think “Well if a particular behavior is normal for children, then all my kids will _______”   But that’s not true either. Just as some kids are more emotional and some more serious, some playful and some not, some keen on math and others keen on reading, so there are some who tend to have a propensity for one offense over another more than their sibling. This also does NOT make lying more evil and twisted than another form of disobedience. So I would just say be careful parents about assigning it more evil points than for example, not doing their chores or fighting with siblings. Because if you do assign an inordinate number of evil points to lying, that might be your filter for how you deal with it, and perhaps that will be out of balance with how you handle other behavioral misconduct. To some degree, that sends a message to our kids it’s okay to act out and disobey us in certain areas of instruction, but never in this one particular area-lying! And also assigning it to the darkest of the dark side, will put us into a frenzy of worry that is perhaps unnecessary and that too will rob us of our joy and peace. So while there is no magic bullet for this, any more than there is for getting them to eat their veggies, there are some fundamental steps we can take to address lying as well as a few fun suggestions:

1. Be consistent and follow through with consequences. Remember we don’t give our kids consequence because it works.  Every. Time. Right. Away.  We are in this parenting thing for the long haul.  And sometimes it’s a long haul. But our God is faithful. And where necessary, they should always pay restitution for their act of deceit when possible. 

2. Model integrity.  So important parents! Don’t let the kids see you lie to someone, i.e. saying you can’t go to their home jewelry party because you have a commitment, when the kids know you don’t have that commitment. Be honest with people yourself. It’s the little things that get us into trouble with our young’uns. Model integrity. They are watching.

3  Find The Veggie Tale movies: (Excellent for littles) Larry-Boy And The Fib From Outer Space! It’s all about telling the truth. And also, “The Little House that Stood” which is all about making good choices.

4.  Be on the lookout for real life examples of someone (maybe a child that your child knows) who was not truthful and that choice resulted in pain. (age appropriate stuff)  Maybe this could be an example of a child at school who was dishonest with a teacher and it didn’t turn out good for the child. Just be on the lookout for those stories brimming with life lessons. 

5. And finally, use scripture. It’s timeless. It’s our ace in the hole. It’s truly raising the bar for them. It’s not just your parents saying “blah blah blah.” It’s God’s desire for us to be truthful. Score! Do you read the bible out loud with your children already? If you do, find scriptures (in an easy to understand version for your little one, tween or teen) that remind us of the character of Jesus. For instance, James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. Questions you can ask: “What are some of the perfect gifts that God give us? What are shifting shadows?”  Maybe they will look at you like you’ve lost your mind. Or maybe they will just say “I don’t know.” Then you can say something like  “Shifting shadows are people and things that lie about the truth. God is not like that.”  

Or Galatians 5:22-23:  “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” This luminous gem is about the fruits of the spirit. And one of those fruits is faithfulness which underscores integrity and honesty. 

When you feel your child is ready for John 8:44, it is the mother of all verses on lying because it clearly tells us that “you know who” is the father of lies. The enemy, the devil. Indeed, lying is his native language. This can be heavy for the littlest of kids. So start out with easy to understand verses on the importance (and commands) of being honest, and work your way up.

Maybe these are all things you’ve already thought of. Sometimes we just need affirmation that what we are doing is okay especially when the problem continues. Keep fighting the good fight. And know that consistence is key! 

Five great Habits for getting your kids to listen.

Unfortunately there are no easy 5 step plans to make your kids listen well. But there are some tried and true habits we can employ. And they involve kids of all ages. These methods work at virtually every age, but the younger your kids are when you get started, the better they work  when your kids are older. Each of these habits have demonstrated success over and over by a whole passel of parents who have gone before you. Furthermore, there are wonderful (extra) parenting perks to be had with each habit besides just getting your kids to listen. I call that “Advantage Parent.”  So let’s get started.

Habit #1  Quit allowing them to interrupt.  Our littles all the have the same middle name: Interrupter. If you’re in the middle of a conversation with someone else, take their hand and place it on your arm or shoulder and squeeze it. You can even wink at them for extra affirmation.  But all the time you are holding their hand so they know you’ve not forgotten them. When you have an opening with the other person or a good pausing place, you can look at your little and say “Okay what was it you wanted?” The whole while you where holding their hand gently against your arm, or face or at your side. This probably won’t work the first time you do it. The key is patience, and diligence in training. If they are old enough (3 or 4), you could probably even have  a conversation with them about how this works before incorporating it as a new habit. AND you can practice it at home while conversing with your spouse.  The more you practice this at home, the better it works when you utilize this technique inside or outside of your home visiting with friends. I found this to be a conversation lifesaver when my girls were little. Advantage Parent:  It simultaneously teaches your child to be respectful of others while also validating your child’s needs.

Habit #2 Quit threatening. Do what you said you were going to do the minute they disobey.  If you say, “The next time you use the toy to hit your brother, I am taking away the toy,” then the very next time they use the toy as a weapon against their sibling, immediately take it away. Threatening does nothing but teach them not to listen. Without a doubt, the minute the offender breaks the rule, and you say “That’s it; the toy is gone,” he or she is going to explode into cries of remorse: “I’m sorry” or “I won’t do it again.” Don’t fall for that. They should’ve been so sincere the first time you gave them fair warning. Threatening just adds to the chaos. Advantage Parent: Your kids quickly learn from a “follow through” kind of parent two very important things. 1  Your plans cannot be thwarted by their drama.  And 2 You are an honest person. They can trust you. Both of these things will be important when you are establishing appropriate boundaries in the teenage years.

Habit #3  Make deposits into their emotional bank accounts.(Concept borrowed from Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People)  In moments, minutes or possibly hours apart from those necessary blocks of time devoted to instruction, discipline, and daily tasks, we must spend quality and quantity time with our child. If we only feed them, cloth them, and instruct them, but never allocate time just being with them, validating their ideas, playing games with them, going to coffee (or tea time), or reading books together, the chances of them being good listeners are very slim. It’s all about credibility. Our human nature cries out loudly “Why should I listen to someone who doesn’t care about me personally?”  Advantage Parent:  We build trust with our children that is reciprocal. Life is more fun. It’s exciting what we learn about our children when we share our time this way. We build up their self- confidence and self-esteem. They make better relationship choices because they know they are loved and cared for at home. 

Habit #4 Be hospitable.  When you invite someone over to your home or out to dinner, and your kids are invited too, they learn to listen. Because when you invite other people into the intimate spaces and places of your life, learning about those people is inevitable. And the way that happens is to ask questions and listen. Our girls learned a heap about other people’s lives, their fascinating jobs, and their spiritual journeys, all at dinner around our table. We just listened. And naturally, our guests asked us questions too. So there’s this fun exchange of information that propels and enriches the conversation.  It all starts with a desire to be hospitable. It ends with our kids being better listeners. Advantage Parent: We teach our kids the value of community and hospitality. They meet new people who can have a significant and positive influence in their lives for years to come. We make life long friends. We teach our kids the power of personal versus electronic communication.

Habit #5 Model good listening skills for them.  As adults, hopefully we already know how to be active listeners. In other words, we actually listen to what another person is saying to us before we draw conclusions, make judgement or offer responses. Our body language is also a huge indicator of our attention to another person’s words. If our kids see or hear us constantly at odds with their other parent, or if they see us monopolize every conversation we are in, chances are  we are teaching them how to be a poor listener. Any other methods  we utilize to teach them good listening skills will be null and void, if we cannot ourselves model good listening skills.  Advantage Parent: Our kids learn that they are not the center of the universe. They also learn conflict resolution skills and how to bring change to a hurting and broken world. 

We all want our children to listen to us.  Toddlers, tweens, teens, and young adults. We want them to listen when we say “Quit using the toy to hit your brother,” and also when we say, “Don’t drink and drive.”  And of course we want them to listen to us when we say “I love you.” It’s imperative that we cultivate good listening skills in our kids. In my book I talk about having “Life Saving Conversations” with your children. If we have not taught them them how to listen, they will struggle with grasping the importance of those life saving conversations. They will tune them out. The ones regarding their safety, security, relationship building, reconciling conflict, or a whole host of other important discussions that require their listening ears. 

Parenting With Gumption and Grit is now Available for Purchase

Finally, I have released my book, and I am happy to announce it can be purchased online at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or Target. This project has been a long time in the making. It is something I am very passionate about, and I have a deep desire to  help equip  parents with the tools necessary for raising positive kids in a culture that is not always so.  Take a chance on this easy but powerful read. You won’t regret it. 

 

Shout out to the producer and videographer of my first promotional video, my wonderful daughter, Kate Ann.

A guide for Reading (connecting) with your kids and Book Lists For All Ages!

Forever and a day I have been working on a book list. My friends and fellow parents know how passionate I am about the importance of reading. And so, they frequently ask for book recommends. I LOVE talking about books. I have also written one. Recently I released a book titled“Parenting With Gumption and Grit.” It is a book of 52 tips for virtually anyone who parents or mentors a child. One of those tips is “Read With Your Child.”  I would add to that: do so at every age and stage of their life. When my 3 girls became older teens, I had required reading, which I added to their own queue of books. Yes, it’s true. I had required reading. And with few exceptions, they always read the book before seeing the movie. And now as young adults, I heartily dish out suggested reading for them. Usually they humor me and comply. They do this because they love to read and because it is an activity we have done together literally for years. So, I have a little credibility with them when it comes to recommending a book. Books are a faithful friend. They don’t betray, abandon, hurt, or withhold forgiveness or mercy from us. They are always there for us. They are faithful. They teach our kids literally everything. How to be a kid. How to be a grown up. How to be generous, compassionate, and really-how to live well. They are capable of teaching life lessons to our kids virtually without us lifting a finger. Yeap I’m in.   

I have included a list of my own favorites below. This is not all inclusive. Not even close. But I went through my shelves, literally and figuratively, and did my best to compile a list of books I love and cherish. I asked my girls to do the same. Clearly, their input was vital. There are a handful I have in the last section which they have yet to read. For instance, Left to Tell, The Liberator, and a few others. Don’t worry. I have them on their “suggested reading” list. Likewise, there are some on that same list which my girls have read, but I have not (yet). When Shelby was just a toddler, and we said, “Shelby get your books,” she literally walked across the living room floor carrying a pile of books almost as tall as she was. What a sweet memory. And then there was Paul reading chapter books at bed time. I will never forget when he was reading Charlotte’s Web, and as Charlotte died, he turned and looked at little 6-year-old Shelby, who was absolutely silent with big droplets of tears rolling down her cheeks. And just like that she experienced the death of a friend. She experienced loss in a profound way, by reading it in a book. It helps prepare them for the real-life experiences that are sure to come their way. We can’t stop those real-life experiences. So we should let books lend us a hand. Halle and Katie Ann had their favorites too. Besides E. B. White, we must have read Princesses Are Not Quitters, Just Us Women, and The Relatives Came,a thousand times. Arthur, DW, Henry, Mudge, Eloise, Katie Kazoo, Nancy Drew, and so many others were all personal friends of ours. It seemed as if they lived in the same house with us. 

On “Judy’s Favorites List,” please use your own measuring stick for your child. In other words, if you feel like there is something on the “Elementary Age” list, that should wait for “Tweens/Teens,” then that is your prerogative. I categorized the lists based on my own experience with my three girls. You can and should custom build your reading lists for your children.

A final thought. I am a Jesus follower, so there has always been a generous number of faith filled books on our reading list. Francine Rivers for instance is one of our favorites. Shelby and I read “Her Mother’s Hope” and “Her Daughter’s Dream” simultaneously. Rivers’ book “Redeeming Love” is perhaps one of the greatest books ever written about a woman’s worth and not only that, but how a young girl’s opinion of her own worth impacts her sexual choices. We have tons of favorite Christian authors for sure. But secular books have had just as powerful an impact on my kids and on their faith journey. The Glass Castle is a poignant memoir about a young girl who was raised in a sea of dysfunction. It’s a book that made my girls’ childhood look like a tiptoe in the daises. They need to see that. They need to know and understand that other people live lives in stark contrast from theirs. The book Avenue of Spies by Alex Kershaw is a jaw dropping story of American surgeon Sumner Jackson and his family who lived and died after the Nazi occupation of Paris in WWII. It is a riveting and true story. And how could we ever forget To Kill A Mockingbird? Every person’s experiences and journeys hold life lessons for all of us. Our faith guided our choice of reading for sure. But it did not censor our choices. The two things are not the same. We have always tried to steer out kids away from the inane, pointless, shallow offerings of the world. The same is true in our choices of books and media. One day Shelby picked up what she thought would just be a short fun read based on the fact we had just seen the movie of the same title, Confessions of a Shopaholic which was rated PG. She figured the movie was cute, so why not read the book? Quite on her own, she intentionally left it behind in the hotel where we were staying. When I asked her why, she said “language.”  Wow, and just like that, all those years of age appropriate reading and guiding them into age appropraite books (and media choices) seemed to instill wisdom in her. Suddenly they had their own sense of books that were worthy of their time and those that weren’t. Books that point them to truth, fiction or non fiction, and those that don’t. Sure, all three of them have read a lot of books since then with colorful language and content. But the language and the content served a purpose. In those cases, it was neither shallow or pointless. 

We also found that reading age appropriate books with our kids in an environment where they were loved unconditionally helped us quite naturally graduate them to the next level. As they moved into different stages of growth, so did their books. For instance, if you let them read the Hunger Game Series in the 3rd grade, they may never want to read The Little House series or Chronicles of Narnia. And how sad would that be?

The best thing ever your child will say to you one day: “Mom you have to read this book. Then we can talk about it. You’ll love it.” That is exactly what Halle said to me after reading The Poisonwood Bible for her Senior AP English Literature class in high school. You can bet I grabbed it up and devoured it. Because guess what? It rendered an in-depth sit-down discussion with my sweet girl that happened all because we read the same book. 

Happy reading everyone.

My book list is below along with other resources. On the links provided, click twice, once here and once again on the next page.

Additional resources that I highly recommend:

  • The Bible
  • “Teaching Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons” by Siegfried Engelmann, Phyllis Haddox, and Elaine Bruner
  • “Honey For a Child’s Heart,” by  Gladys Hunt
  • “Honey For a Teen’s Heart,” by Gladys Hunt and Barbara Hampton
  • “For the Children’s Sake,” by Susan Schaeffer MacAulay

Judy’s Favorite Books list https://judymccarver.com/?attachment_id=2400

Additional Wondeful Book Resources : Book Lists and Guidance https://judymccarver.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/Reading-Resources-For-Children-and-Parents.docx

Link to Judy’s book “Parenting With Gumption and Grit” https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Gumption-Grit-Must-Read-Influence/dp/1595559442/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1C20JIY5H42DI&keywords=judy+mccarver&qid=1562697716&s=gateway&sprefix=judy+mcc%2Caps%2C153&sr=8-1

Faith part 1: Believing God Can even when he does not…

I have only to consider the beauty of nature when I wonder for even a single second if God “can.”

This may be an oldie (post) but a goodie.

Recently, an acquaintance made an innocent statement that said, “Faith is not believing that God can, but that God will.” I think this could be misleading. Okay, I think in some cases it could even be bad theology-depending on what the writer is referring to-our preferred outcomes OR God’s power. I flip this around a little bit. Because I believe faith IS indeed believing that God can– even when He does NOT. Faith is believing in the power of God even when the outcome is not to my liking. If your life doesn’t turn out the way you planned, does that render your God powerless? The short answer to that is “No.” But how often do you unconsciously act this out in your life, “My faith will be strong when_________” “I will believe in the power of God when I see this happen:_____________” Well, let’s see, When I meet the perfect man or woman and get married. When I have a baby. When I get that great job. When I see my children to adulthood. “ OR I will believe in the power of God as long as ____________ (fill in your own blank) Really? Is God’s power contingent upon our preferred outcomes? The bible says that God’s plans will not be thwarted. (Job 42:2, Isaiah 14:27) It doesn’t say the same thing about our plans. In fact, it says just the opposite. (Psalm 33:10; Isaiah 8:10 and Proverbs 19:21) Many Christians are missing great opportunities to serve God and cheating themselves of the abundant life promised us in John 10:10- because they are still waiting on that perfect marriage, that perfect church, perfect children, perfect job and ministry, and well-a perfect life by a standard that perhaps for years has been propagated by false theology, “Faith is not believing that God can but that God will…” (Fill in the blank) make my marriage perfect; Save my children from disastrous outcomes; give me the perfect job with the perfect boss with the perfect salary. 

Another way this might manifest itself: Well, maybe, rather than talk about problems in our marriage with a close and trusted Godly friend (of the same gender,) we keep it to ourselves. After all, if my marriage is in trouble, it must mean I don’t have enough faith, or the faith I have isn’t strong enough to ignite God’s power. It couldn’t be that sharing the daily issues of anxiety and strain and seeking out Godly counsel might put my marriage on a different path. Or, maybe rather than join a small group or enlist a mentor, I would avoid investing in deep intimate relationships, and not expect a small group or mentor experience to help me grow into spiritual maturity. If I need the help of someone else for that, then my faith must not be strong enough. Remember in this scenario, faith is not believing that God can, but that God will…” so that if he doesn’t then it must be me and my lack of belief. I think this theology possibly leads us to thinking that as a “Christian,” we must have it together at all times and always have the answer to our problems. If this were true, then Abraham, Jacob, Isaac, David, Esther, Ruth, Paul the Apostle, Peter, and a host of other Godly biblical men and women were the wrong people for the task at hand. Christianity would most certainly have died in the 1st century. It wasn’t perfect marriages, or perfect ministries, perfect leadership or perfect children that caused the glory of God to shine forth through these men and women. Rather it was their imperfect lives striving to be more and more like Jesus that made all the difference. 

I love love love the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Look at Daniel 3 with me. Okay, are you there yet? (Humming my favorite song.) Giving you time to go to Daniel 3 in your hard copy bibles, or your electronic bible; Okay got it? Now read verses 13-18. What do you see there? Some of the most powerful words in scripture you will ever read about 3 of the most faith filled God followers you will ever know. The Pagan king Nebuchadnezzar threatened to throw the three teenage boys into a hot fiery furnace if they did not bow down to him. This was there reply. And no matter how often I read it, it always gives me goose bumps. “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is ABLE to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But EVEN IF HE DOES NOT, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

They knew and believed that God was way more powerful than that fiery furnace. They trusted 100% in the power of God to rescue them from that furnace, but they also knew that God’s plans would not be thwarted even if their desired outcome was different. “But even if he does not choose to rescue us from death or give us what we want or what we think we need, we will still believe in Him.” (paraphrase) 

Okay, we know the end to that story. God did indeed save them from the fiery pit that day. But similar accounts did not always end this way. During Nero’s reign as Roman emperor from 54-68 AD, he arrested and tortured Christians in Rome, before executing them with lavish publicity. Some were crucified, some were thrown to wild animals and others were burned alive as living torches. This included men, women, and children. Indeed Paul the Apostle was martyred in Rome around 64AD and this would have been under Nero’s reign of terror. We also know from scripture and history that all the disciples of Jesus (not including Judas Iscariot) met with violent martyred deaths, with the exception of John who ostensibly died of natural causes on the Island of Patmos. One might ask, “Was their faith not strong enough for God to show God’s power?” 

God is always faithful. God is always good. God will always prevail. How do we know this? The lesson was played out on the cross. The empty tomb reminds us that the One to whom we raise our hands and voices is King over all. The Creator of this Universe is more powerful than anything we could hope or imagine 1st and foremost. This power PRECLUDES our existence! Grappling with this truth will render us hopeless and “fruitless,” as we expend our energy waiting and hoping for someone or something to fill in all the missing blanks of our lives so that our faith can “prove itself.” On the other hand, grasping this truth will free us from a stronghold of futility and hopelessness and position us to grow in the knowledge and joy of Christ. (2 Peter 1:5-8) Are you grappling or grasping this truth?

The Parenting Club

If there were ever an unofficial club I enjoyed being part of, it was and is the parenting club. Remember when your kids were babies and toddlers and you hung out with moms and dads of babies and toddlers? You shared stories of sleepless nights, first steps, first words, and potty training. Then you moved into the next season of parenting school-aged littles, and offered one another advice on a myriad of topics about sports teams, dance studios, the best schools, birthday parties, discipline, meal planning, and the list goes on and on. If you were really lucky, you took your parent friends with you into the years of puberty, hormonal imbalances, homecomings, high school, and the drama of teens all of which subsequently caused all of us to question our sanity even on the best of days. You lamented together about teaching your kids to drive, the challenges of talking to your kids about sex, and the hopes you had for their future. And then young adulthood happened. Suddenly you were moving them into college dorms, and you wondered where did all of those sweet years go and how in the world did they pass by so fast? But even here, you don’t have to lament alone. Because you have surrounded yourself with other parents, imperfect like you, but still striving to do their best job with the charge they have been given. Now this club, of sorts, you have belonged to perhaps since birthing classes, has catapulted you to a new stage of parenting young adults. And then? Married kids. Perhaps grandchildren. Kids on their own dime. Congrats. You have achieved lifetime status in your club. Parent first and foremost with your parenting partner, the other parent of your child. And secondly, find a “club” of fellow moms and fellow dads who lovingly and with compassion are willing to come along beside you and prop you up in the most joyful of times and the most difficult. That latter part is especially paramount if you don’t have a parenting partner. This is the hardest job you will ever do. But it should also be the most joyful job you ever do. It should never be entered into lightly or alone.

I have a book set to release May 14th, 2019 called “Parenting with Gumption and Grit: 52 Must-Read Parenting Tips for Anyone who has Ever Loved a Child Enough to Want to Influence Their Future.” Tip #1 Don’t Go it Alone. I hope this book also addresses a LOT of the particulars listed above that are simply inevitable at every stage of parenting. No, my parenting club is not a card carrying private group. It’s just a big bunch of close friends who have ridden out this journey with us as we laughed, cried, hoped, prayed, and grew our children together. And my club is not necessarily only composed of parents. It could be aunts, uncles, grandparents, mentors, “Anyone who has Ever Loved MY Child Enough to Want to Influence Their Future.”

I  have no grand illusions about this book selling millions of copies or about being invited to the Ellen Show. Indeed Tips #1-#13 Smart Parenting Choices may even make you drowsy. Tips #14-#18 Teach Them Life Skills may seem super basic. Tips #19-#22 regarding the Parent Trap and Letting Them Go might make you mad. Tip #25 The Sex Talk might make you downright uncomfortable. Tips #33-#35 Managing Their Media may tempt you to stop reading any further. Character Tips #36-#42 such as teaching them Kindness over Tolerance or True Faith not Religion or No Excuse for Rude, all may challenge you deeply. And Tip #44 I Messed up: Do the Next Right Thing may encourage you exceedingly. Tip #49 Just Parent your Child may convict you.  Tip #50 None of us Gets a Free Pass may frighten you.  And Tip #52 simply reminds you…of what is important. I hope all of these emotions happen when you read this book and more, (Except the drowsy part).

Community

What everyone needs!

Community happens in different places and spaces. It happens in a small group at church whether that’s your community group, your worship team, your children’s serve team or another group where you have shared experiences. It happens in your expat group when you live overseas. It happens with your neighbors here or abroad. It happens with the moms of your friends. Because after all, who knows better than they do how challenging parenting can be? It happens in all kinds of groups. The thing about community, whether it is with a group of Jesus followers at your church, or your neighbors next door, or your team at your office, clearly, just the group itself does not“community” make. Community happens when we invest in that group on a deeper level than that which is rendered by humdrum greetings and superficial engagements. Spiritual growth quite naturally is born out of real community. When you have authentic community resulting from personal investment which includes personal disclosure and quality time spent together, spiritual growth is inherent. It is inevitable. You can’t really stop it from happening. In fact, I would go so far as to say, that in the same way a lack of engagement in the Word, or an on and off prayer life, can stymie spiritual growth, so can a lack of true community. 

So how does community grow us spiritually? How does it make us better friends, spouses, parents, employees, or ministry leaders? How does community compel us to be more loving agents of the Gospel? Well, when you engage with people in your home, or over a meal, or at their child’s T-ball game, or in most any place that is away from the church pews, it transforms you from a spectator to a player-from a consumer to a producer. Community is one way we express our faith in action.  It means doing life with people outside of your immediate family. We are a military family, now retired. In that business, we moved a handful of times. That did not stop us from forming the kind of community in our lives that propped us up emotionally and spiritually. Indeed, that career demanded it. In those years of frequent transition and change, we formed communities literally home and abroad that helped sustain our marriage and our family life. Those communities were composed of diverse and fascinating people. Undoubtedly some of them were very similar to us in every way, but many of them were very different-different in ethnicity, politics, and religion. In fact, the four years we lived in Germany, we were never able to come home for Thanksgiving, so we exploited that opportunity to share our holiday celebrations with our neighbors who included German, Dutch, French, Canadian, and American. As we gazed around that table of God given bounty, and not just food, but the bounty of fellowship, with our own children serving our invited guests, I was reminded of the parable of the wedding banquet in Luke 14. The prep for that banquet began with an expectation of guests who looked a lot like Jesus but ended up being just the opposite.  As we shared food and fellowship around our own banquet table in our small village in Germany, it was overwhelming to think about how God blessed us with such camaraderie and hope as we had found in the most unlikely of friends. Language barriers be damned. And that is just the thing about true community. It strives to erase those barriers.  And not just language barriers, but cultural and social barriers. Community is often a real-life picture of Ephesians 2 which says “For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility.”     

Community also helped us survive those tough years of being newly married. I often tell people that Paul and I “grew up together” as young single adults and forward, in church small groups. Community gave us hope and encouragement when raising babies from infancy to young adult. Recently we went to a wedding for a daughter of one of those “old” friends. As well as a wedding, it was also a small reunion of our old life group, the one that started us on our way with babies, the one that propped us up emotionally and gave us the confidence necessary to handle that ginormous task of parenting. And at every season of parenting, I have relied on my community of sweet and loving mom friends who have the courage to hold me accountable while at the same time loving me unconditionally. 

Truly, the world inflicts much deeper wounds than what our skill set alone is able to reconcile. We were simply never hardwired to power through life on an island, single handedly fighting our way through the trials and hardships that life abundantly supplies. Likewise, we were not hardwired to revel in our joys alone. What parent ever said, “I hope no one asks me about my daughter’s latest accomplishments?” Said no parent ever! What person ever said” “I am keeping the news about my big promotion all to myself?” Not one person ever! Community invites us into a place of utter refuge, a place of hope, a place of unspeakable joy, a place where DNA isn’t required and where-thank you Jesus-the every-day, unrelenting evil of this world cannot breech the threshold of those who surround us with such deep and abiding love and acceptance. In Zephaniah 3:9 the Lord said, “Then I will purify the lips of the peoples, that all of them may call on the name of the Lordand serve him shoulder to shoulder.”Is that not one of the most beautiful pictures of community you have ever seen in the written Word? Just imagine a group of people who do life together shoulder to shoulderso much so that when the going gets tough, the tough can still get going.  

Paul the apostle understood the value and necessity of community as well as anyone. His tearful separation from the Ephesian elders at the close of Acts 20 is underscored by Luke’s words in Verse 1 of the following chapter, “After we had torn ourselves away from them, we put out to sea.”  This preempted their arrival and layover in Tyre where the bible says, “We sought out the disciples there and stayed with them seven days. Through the Spirit they urged Paul not to go on to Jerusalem.  When it was time to leave, we left and continued on our way. All of them, including wives and children, accompanied us out of the city, and there on the beach we knelt to pray. After saying goodbye to each other, we went aboard the ship, and they returned home.” Wow. That’s some serious community.

If you are someone who is “community-less,” ask yourself a couple of introspective questions:  1) Am I a person who walks in and out of the spaces and places of my life, including my church, without interacting with anyone or without investing any of myself, my gifts, or my time in that place?  OR  2) Am I so hungry for community that I am over-involved in so many “small groups” that I have not the time or energy necessary to invest in one or two of those groups on a personal, deep level?” Both of these situations can render you community-less.  Because remember what we said earlier: “Community happens when we invest in that group on a deeper level than what is rendered by humdrum greetings and superficial engagements;” and it requires“personal disclosure and quality time spent together.” Neither of these two aforementioned situations (under involvement or over involvement) allow for this.  

In his poem penned in the 16thcentury John Donne said, “No man is an island, entire of itself.”  I think Donne was so so right. You might say, I cannot afford either the time or the emotional investment of community.” I say, “you cannot afford the loss that is sure to happen without it.” I don’t think human life can sustain itself without community.

And as a final important thought, if you are a parent, the last thing you want to do is to send your kids out into this chaotic, cruel world community-less. Kids who have never had community modeled for them, or who have never lived their lives this way, often become church casualties. If they have spent their whole lives leading up to college surrounded only by their immediate family, even if that included “regular” church attendance, will they know how to form the kinds of relationships away from home that love them so much they are willing to hold them accountable, and to laugh with them when they laugh, and cry with them when they cry? Relationships that steer them toward God, not away? I fear not. We must have a sense of urgency when it comes to equipping our kids to embrace true community. 

Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, it does not matter.  I’m more introvert than extrovert. I tend to recharge alone-not together. I often seek out solitude when my life is in overdrive. But undoubtedly, I enthusiastically seek out God given, and God ordained community when I need hope, help and truth; conviction, love and joy! 

My Constant Reminders of the Oklahoma City Bombing

Oklahoma City Memorial

Today I found myself sitting in an airport with time on my hands. This  time it’s Little Rock, AR. When I have time on my hands, I tend to find things to do. Rest is way overrated when you are a Type A such as I am. Good or bad, I have long since quit apologizing for that, and instead just rest in the way that I believe God has wired me. And so it is, that on this one day before the anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombing of April 19, 1995 I remain irrepressibly thankful.  Irrepressibly hopeful, and irrepressibly overwhelmed by the goodness that relentlessly remains in our world in spite of all that we see and know is NOT good. Tomorrow is indeed the 23rd anniversary of this tragedy. The 23rd anniversary of the loss of 5 of my best friends and multiple of my close friends and colleagues whose offices were adjacent to mine, whose lives intersected with mine with indescribable magnitude.
I don’t ever forget.
But the way that I remember, now that is always different.
For you perhaps, you would see no connection between these two things.  The seemingly mundane things of daily life that bring to my mind those I loved and lost tragically in 1995. But for me, it is as plain as the words on a page. And the reminders are both joyful and sad.  This makes sense since recollections of my friends are both joyful and sad.  Joyful at the remembrance of us being so close and doing our jobs and our lives together. Family not tied do DNA. Sad at the remembrance of the huge hole left in my heart at their sudden departure.
As I sat in the airport I thought of the last couple days spent with my aged mother-in-law, who is struggling with her health. I am infinitely thankful for my husband’s siblings, who in spite of their differences, stand together as a family on what is important.  As I began rifling through my email and texts, I exchanged the following communications. Both my niece and my sister are celebrating the new life of a first child and grandchild respectively, two sweet and beautifully innocent, baby boys. Oh the joy! My niece, an educator in a very low income, suburbia area of Houston, asked if my husband, a commercial airline pilot, would be interested in speaking into the lives of her sweet (and very marginalized) students on their career day. My daughter texted me with the glum news that a health issue she has been struggling with has reappeared much to our chagrin. I had a potential publisher call me with lots of optimism about the two of us being able to work together on a long time passionate project of mine. Meanwhile, my mind also remained occupied with the recent news of raging destructive wild fires in NW Oklahoma and my friends there who are yet in harm’s way. Still in the national news, the sudden death of a young woman, a mom, while traveling by air in a plane that has perhaps successfully completed that route hundreds of times before.  My daughter texts me with great news about her decision to double major, and how that is going to best contribute to her desire to perhaps one day work closely with trafficking victims.  My women’s pastor at my church, and close friend, sends an email asking for us to brainstorm ways to reach women who are in need and who are hurting.  One of my very best friends, lets me know that another surgery is in the cards for her in battling breast cancer. My husband sends me a text about our future choices in retirement. It’s an inside joke. It seems that virtually every single article related to this topic has a signature photo on the front page of a woman who is voluptuous.  As if this were pertinent to the top 10 best places in American to retire. This leaves me laughing so hard I am crying.
And. that. is. just. it. Sometimes we are crying so hard we laugh. Still other times, we are laughing so hard we cry.  But always we remember.
We remember the good and the bad. Our lives are full of hearty doses of both. The question is what will we do about it? For me, I am answering my (teacher) niece and going to make every effort to be present for those sweet little kids on their career day.  I am texting my sister to tell her how blessed I feel to be a part of her celebration with her new grandson. I am sending Deuteronomy 31:6 to my best friend as she prepares for surgery. I am telling my daughter with regard to her health issue: “Don’t worry Katie, we got this. We can do it.”  I am letting my husband’s siblings know that whatever is in our future for their mom, we can do this thing together. I am letting my women’s pastor know that I am on board. I am encouraging my girls, all three of them to be the world changers that I know God has created them to be. I am overwhelmed with their desire to make a difference in the world of the lost and hurting. Finally, I’m praying to my Creator, the One who knows what we are going through, who knows our pain and our joy, and for whatever reason, chose to cover my own multitude of sins with ginormous amounts of love.
And that’s just it. I am overwhelmed. Still by the loss of my five sweet friends 23 years ago, Carrol, Kenny, Carrie Ann, Rona and Shelly. And still by the way that life just keeps marching on, both tragically and joyfully, both demanding a response from me. Judy what are you going to do now?

The Bulldozer and the Havoc it can Wreak

Have mouth. Will run over everyone in my path.

When I was growing up, no one-and I mean not. one. person.- in our house ever said the two words “I’m sorry.” They also never said “I love you.” Not that growing up in my house was all bad. (Read my blog “What do we Owe them?”) It was just not conducive for learning how to be a gentle soul, soft-spoken, easy-going communicator in relationships. There was no pattern of such things for me to emulate. It was seemingly more conducive for teaching one how to be a bulldozer in those same relationships. Fast forward to me as an adult, and I still struggle with such niceties as “I’m sorry” and “I love you.” Although, I have come a long way, by the insurmountable grace of God, I still have epic fails. Alas, the bulldozer is still partially imbedded deep inside of me. Not that by any measure of the stick, I am blaming my grandparents or any other of my relatives with whom I spent all those formative years, for my own occasional absolute lack of couth or tact! No, I am definitely a big girl now and have thus formed in my personal beliefs a “whole harmless agreement,” if you will, for my past and for those who heartily influenced my growing up. At some point in your life, if positive change is to become permanent change, you have to release others from responsiblity for your actions and own them yourself. That is not to say that others are not culpable in the whole of how you turned out. Furthermore, I think self disclosure about your past and how you were raised is helpful in dialogue with people close to you in an effort to help them to understand you better. But still here I am on the other side of my life so to speak, many years and events between then and now, and yet sometimes I still find myself defaulting to old learned habits. Perhaps that is where they get the phrase “to bully.” Wikipedia (yeah I worked hard on this research project) defines a bulldozer as capable of “projects requiring highly mobile, powerful, and stable earth-moving equipment.” Just as a bulldozer is capable of distributing its weight over large parcels of land clearing forests and objects in its path, I find myself quite capable of using my mouth and my motives, my force of words and demeanor to distribute my weight, my influence, over large parcels of a person’s heart. Case in point, my daughter failed to do a very simple task for me that obviously I had hoped would be done by noon on this particular Sunday. She did not. It so happened that as we were preparing for worship in church on Sunday morning, she reminded me that she was going for groceries on the way home, and would need to borrow my credit card. I, still irrevocably irritated over her failure to do what I told her to do, stewed over this even as worship began. Then with impeccable timing, just as we were starting the second song, I whispered to her “Halle you know how you want me to give you my credit card for the grocery store, well I wanted you to deliver those donations this morning.” And with that, she promptly sat in her seat and started crying. Success! Land cleared. Parent of the year, not. But kudos for driving my point home while deconstructing her self-confidence at the same time, in mere seconds? Score! Except my other daughter and my husband were both looking at me with that “What did you say and why now?” quizzical and skeptical kind of look. Well, I powered down the engine on my dozer pretty quick at that point, and with the grace that God continually pours over my weary, stubborn soul, I started rethinking my actions. I couldn’t take them back, but I could exercise my learned skills of saying “I’m sorry.” Wikipedia also states “The bulldozer’s primary tools are the blade and the ripper.” These two features I adopted well along the journey from youth to adulthood. But along with that definition, it also states, “The bulldozer’s tracks give them excellent ground holding capability and mobility through very rough terrain.” Hmm that’s no so bad. I can see how useful that feature can be. There are good things about my bulldozing capabilities and undoubtedly, there are bad things. Fortunately, I have a God who knows that all that has shaped me is not all bad. He uses the better, greater characteristics to accomplish His purposes. If only when I do choose to express the negative aspects of my personality, I am quite capable of owning it and saying I am sorry, there is still hope for me and my relationships. That doesn’t mean that I “should go on sinning so that grace may abound.” (Romans 6:1-4) No just the opposite; it means rather, that in the light of God’s infinite mercy, I need to count myself among the blessed, so much so that I am willing to recognize my sin, my not-so-great-parts of my personality, and work to cultivate and implement the positive aspects of all that I am. Thankfully, my God is forgiving as is my family. 1 Peter 4:8 says “Love covers a multitude of sins.” This is one bulldozing girl who is grateful for that truth. Amen!

1st Hand Experiences not Required. Engage your Role Models now!

Photo by
Inspireconversation.com
This just in. We don’t always have to experience things first hand. Talk about a time saver. Not to mention a better view in life’s rear view mirror. We have role models in our lives, both good and bad that have already done the hard work for us. It’s true! Some we know personally, and some we just see on TV or social networking. This could eliminate a LOT of time and trouble for us. They are everywhere and in every industry, country, city, school, religious circle, and home. The bad news is, that sometimes, we, or our children, are in the path of a bad role model and take a direct hit. But the good news is that role modeling-BOTH the awful and the awesome-can be enormously valuable teachers for all of us. If only we will let them.

If you’re a parent, you can readily see that absent fathers (either by divorce or by choice) cause havoc. It’s not a secret. Watch the news. Talk to school teachers. Get to know your neighbors. It’s amazing to me how many thousands upon thousands of crime sprees are committed by those from broken homes; how many victims of sexual assault and abuse have grown up without a father (and/or a mother.) Yet, we never ever talk about this on the news or very seldom when trying to find solutions. It’s forbidden. Well, after all, it could mean we are demoralizing single parents. Which of course is ridiculous. They should be reinforced not abandoned. Bolstered not broken. But just that one variable in their child’s life, puts them at risk for rocky relationships, poor grades and low self-confidence. So if your child’s father is absent, what can you do about that? Can you find someone else to fill the void in her life? It’s perhaps a tall order I know. But can you? Can you look to other families who have successfully negotiated this difficult terrain with their kids, and find out what they did that worked well? And if you’re the absent father, can you start engaging with your child now before it’s too late?

Maybe you’re a college student. There are a lot of role models in your life right now, including fellow students. What do their lives teach you? Have you seen poor judgement and co-dependency result in reckless behavior that in turn, results in pain and heartache? It’s a great time to learn a lesson. Moving out, on your own away from the protective swath of parents, and a comfortable routine, is difficult enough. Recklessness in your new social circles and a need to party until the cows come home, could make you vulnerable and an easy target for some dirty rotten scoundrel co-ed who only wants to exploit you. It’s a ripple effect. This is about prevention. We aren’t exonerating the dirty rotten scoundrel of his or her responsibility for their criminal actions. We are just watching, learning, and then thinking before acting. It’s a natural part of caring for yourself and your friends.

Maybe you are in a season with your marriage or your kids and you have experienced or witnessed your share of bad marriages and poor parenting, but also the opposite, positive (not perfect) parenting and thriving (not perfect) marriages. Then why are you still sitting on your duff and not engaging those who have gone before you? You’ve got questions. They’ve got answers. You’re wondering how to negotiate this argument over finances or your teenager’s rebellion. You’re wondering how to overcome infidelity, addiction, or potty training. Ask someone for Pete’s sake.

Violent crimes, high school graduation rates, addiction, assault, broken relationships are all issues that we are dealing with in our communities that need attention, but so is the familial foundations of our children. Family harmony, or the lack thereof, directly correlates to how much pain and heartache will manifest itself in the lives of our children and in their behavior. But talking about this is practically taboo in politics, community policy discussions, and education reform. Even though we all agree on this one point: that children of broken homes and broken relationships are often marginalized in our society. And we also know that this is often generational.

So here’s what we can do. We can take individual responsibility to watch, listen and learn. And we can and should come along beside those who feel alone and are hurting for help. Newsflash: literally millions of others have gone ahead us on the same road that we are currently traveling. The absolute best resource we have available to us as we navigate the stuff of our own lives is the stuff that’s already happened to someone else. Let all of us: single, widowed, married, divorced, parent, child, spouse, ALL of us, take our heads out of the proverbial sand, and enlist the help of a mentor or accountability partner, or prayer partner, or a role model. And when you bear witness to your own relationship casualties, go to the heart of the problem; own your part; stop the cycle. Recalling an old favorite movie of mine, “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly,” we are compelled to take cues from all kinds of role models and from each another as we make decisions about what is right and what is wrong. Just pay attention and learn.