Category Archives: Parenting

What do we owe them?

My sisters and I before our parents died.
My sisters and I before our parents died.

How do you remember your past-your growing up? Difficult? Easy? Carefree or demanding? Rather than remember, is it one you’d soon forget? Mine has a mixture of both. When I was just shy of 6 years old, I stood with my sisters on the shore of an old coal mine strip pond as we called it, in rural Indiana watching my young parents drown in a freak fishing accident. This would truly define much of who I was to become in the years to come. We three girls went to live with my maternal grandparents. We were very poor by worldly standards, but though we were low on money, we were high on vegetable gardens and a few livestock. I bet you thought I was going to say, “Though we were low on money, we were high on love.” Well, not really. I don’t believe in painting an unrealistic picture of my life after the deaths of my parents. I’ll never be accused of overestimating the affection coursing through our home as a child. My oldest sister was separated from us when she was only 13 years old to a teen home 2 hours away. I was 10. I would only see her every other weekend and holidays for our remaining childhood years. We were afforded no counseling and no time to grieve. No one was reading me bedtime stories, hanging my artwork on the refrigerator, or telling me I could grow up to be whatever I wanted to be. I didn’t learn how to communicate well in relationships. It was a lot more about resilience than it was warm fuzzies. It was primarily about work, responsibility, and self-initiative. Less about love, tenderness, and family vacations. This is not a plea for pity. It’s just a story. And like so many others, my past is inextricably linked to the past before me. That renders understanding and insight for all us in better understanding our American roots. My grandparents did the very best they could with what they had. I could never in a million years repay them for their contributions in my life, and in spite of a childhood lacking in tenderness, they loved us still in the only ways they knew how. I didn’t have a lot, but I had everything they were capable of giving me. They did not withhold affection out of spite. Their love language-their only love language-was service. Before you say, “Oh that’s so sad,” while on one level it is, on the other hand, I did learn how to survive difficult ordeals, orchestrate food for large groups of people, and the value of hard work and perseverance. I (and my sisters) absolutely entered young adulthood with an insufficient lack of emotional coping skills. Undoubtedly, we were at a clear disadvantage when it came to understanding what it meant to nurture and to be nurtured. There were scars just like there are for many of you. Nonetheless, while we had a “raising” that didn’t render itself as always rosy or self affirming, we can say with 100% assurance that we weren’t nurtured at home because well, nurture just wasn’t in their nature. In fact, it was their raising that made them bull-headed and even cold at times. They and their parents before them had survived both world wars, Vietnam, Korea, bad politicians, good politicians, The Great Depression, short life spans, and grueling manual labor both at home and at work. Indeed my grandparents were an intricate part of that generation who built up American industry, the backbone of American farming and post depression economic growth. They stormed the beaches at Normandy, lived and died in The Bataan Death March, and saved the free world from tyranny. They worked the tough, hard labor jobs that rebuilt a post war America into a global power. This generation was not one that excelled at nurturing. They excelled at survival. This was also reflected in their huge sense of community. Because of their experience in the war and the Depression, they recognized (better than we do today) that people work better and accomplish more together than they do apart. Thus in war-time, they gave up their “day jobs” to build Higgins Boats in Louisiana, and sell war bonds on Main Street. In snow blizzards, whoever owned a tractor, plowed the driveways of those who did not. Potluck dinners for years, served to feed the masses while accomplishing their tasks at hand, planting fields, raising barns, or building fences. When someone was sick and homebound, there was undoubtedly a neighbor nearby to bring them hot soup or cart then to the doctor if necessary. Hard work wasn’t an option. Rest was overrated. Everyone was working the garden, the livestock and doing laundry. (NOT in an automatic washer and dryer that we enjoy today!)

Not surprisingly, my grandparents, from this very generation, lived impoverished lives growing up and likewise when raising their own children, my mother and her siblings. Their income was meager. Inevitably their days were long and difficult. The picture here truly speaks 10000 words.

What do We Owe Them?
What do We Owe Them?

On the left is my great-uncle, actually my grandma’s youngest sibling of 14. My great-grandmother was already dead in this picture. My grandmother took her brother in when he was 16 months old. She had other small siblings in her home as well. The oldest daughter between my grandparents is my grandma’s first daughter from her first marriage. That husband died when she was only 17 or 18 in a work related accident. There was no OSHA then. There were no annuities for my grandmother, a widow and single mother at 17. A year later she married my grandfather. Sometimes you married or you starved. They had 5 children. That’s their first-born, my aunt you see in the front wearing glasses, and my grandparents holding the twins in their arms: my mother and her twin sister, and later two additional boys came along (not yet born when this picture was taken.) It seems counterproductive to those of us ever so enlightened by this modern society in which we live (sarcasm intended), that such impoverished folks would choose to have so many children. Having offspring was much more of a cultural expectation in America in those days than it is now. Furthermore, this was the generation of Americans that populated our country. The baby boomers born in post war American between 1946-1964 (give or take a year), was literally the largest generation of Americans born in U.S. history. (Yours truly says thank you for that!)

Today we live in an incredibly great country. One that is still full of promise and opportunity. But it is also one of the most self-entitled, materialistic, and self-centered cultures that American has ever known. This I believe is the American Dream gone rogue. Once upon a time the American Dream was defined simply as the opportunity for home ownership in a free society where every citizen was free to innovate, create and live peaceably. But that definition of the American Dream has since been distorted, the original tenets of which have been misused and misrepresented by scores of politicians hoping to strike a chord of unity with a society that has distanced themselves from their past, away from their poorer, less formidable ancestors. Even though, it was their ancestors who blazed the freedom trail for us through hard work, war, and personal sacrifice, so that we could now “wallow” in the plunder. I don’t want to be an American who simply sits back and wallows in what my grandparents have built. I want my citizenship to be one that pours back into the communities I live in-the communities bequeathed to me by generations of Americans before me. What do Americans of the 21st century owe them? Impoverished though they were; unskilled communicators, slow to show affection, demanding, and maybe even harsh? We owe them everything.

Grown up sisters, Cindy, Lori, and Judy
Grown up sisters, Cindy, Lori, and Judy

Pull out the pictures-you know the ones! They’re in the deep drawer of your grandma’s bedroom chest of drawers full of black and whites (reel to reel if you’re lucky) Ask someone who will know: “Who’s that?. What did they do for a living? How did they die?” You may discover amazing and healing facts about your relatives, as well-about yourself and who you are and from whence you came. And in the process, learn something about your America.

7 Simple ways to Make a Difference: It’s never too late!

Kindness3
We live in a dadgum ugly world. Global unrest is present in politics, economics, religion, and social relations. In the middle east, militant muslim groups continue to wreak havoc in their homelands, among their own people, as well as in America and other democratic countries. We have seen this repeatedly, most recently, with the senseless and tragic murder of four marines in Chattanooga, Tennessee. They (militant muslims) thrive and survive on the rush they inhale from the absolute hate that courses through their veins. For the promise of what? Who knows? There is no possible positive outcome to be seen or imagined resulting from their violence and their perpetual fighting and hostility. Then there is the violence and hate on our own soil-perpetrated by our own citizens. This is evident in the massacre of nine innocent people in Charleston, South Caroline by a guy who is absolutely so racist, he can’t function in a civil society. This is also evident in the road rage incident in Houston, Texas recently that left an innocent man dead, shot by another man who by all appearances, seems like a “normal next door kind of dad and husband,” who got ticked off for some relatively insignificant traffic issue, so he simply took his personally owned weapon and killed his offender. He’s free now while a Grand Jury decides if he has committed a crime for an act that had a police officer done, well…I doubt it would take long to indict the police officer. And then there’s the idiotic, senseless issues that garner tons of money and precious energy and serve to distract, distort and detract from what truly needs our attention. I got so sick of hearing about the Confederate flag I was nearly physically ill. First of all, I’m pretty sure that the flag of these United States of America for which 100s of thousands have bled and died in EVERY war fought BOTH on our soil and abroad, is “Old Glory.” flag
I would think if there was only ONE thing, ONE LOUSY thing that unites us in this country, one thing that could stand in the chasm and close the gap between left and right, black and white, red and yellow, it would surely be the American Flag. But apparently, we can’t even agree on that. I mean really slamming the “Dukes of Hazard” for their display of the confederate flag on top of “The General Lee,” revoking syndication of this rated G show, is simply over the top stupid. I call that OVERcorrection. On the other hand, flying the Confederate flag from a government building alongside the American flag to me disrespect and is offensive not so much to people (as much as I know that ticks you off if you find it offensive,) but it really and truly disrespects and subverts the American Flag, Red. White. and Blue. I mean really, what’s the point of having one flag, you know as the pledge goes “ONE nation under God, etc.” The pledge doesn’t say ‘Two or Three nations under God….’ One nation. One Flag. I’m all for state flags showing their pride for their state. Each state is so unique in its history and contributions to our nation as a whole, and I think state flags embody that very element. I see no problem with that. But that’s not the case with the Confederate flag. It does not represent one individual state. It represents a defeated nation.
Okay we could go on and on. I am concerned because in view all of the discourse ripping our nation apart, the forming up of “sides,” and pointing fingers, many of us are guilty of caving into the attitude of “gloom and doom,” “the sky is falling,” and “it doesn’t matter what I do, I can’t make a difference.” To that, I say “Hogwash!” Don’t buy into the lie that you alone as one person canNOT make a Single. Bit. Of. Difference. Here are 7 opportunities and every single one of them has your name on it. Now quit whining and get busy.
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1. Quit watching the news. Okay maybe not entirely cold turkey. But there are those of you who go to work, come home watch the news, eat dinner (or supper depending on your geographical location), watch more news and go to bed. What goes in, must come out. Turn off the news. Really? Is it any wonder that you are so angry and depressed all of the time? “For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” Matthew 12:34
2. Take a casserole to your next door neighbor. Or cookies or pie, peanut butter and jelly, or pizza! It doesn’t matter. You know the ones. The neighbors whose business shut down last month! The one whose beloved mother died recently. Or the one who is going through a divorce. OR the one you’ve been meaning to get to know better. “The second greatest commandment ….Love your neighbor as yourself.” Mark 12:31
3. Write a note of encouragement to someone who needs it desperately. This is so stinking easy. Last week I just by chance engaged in a conversation with a friend and found out that she and her family had been going through an extremely emotional and trying year. I had absolutely no idea. I went home and within 24 hours I sent her a note of encouragement. It wasn’t an idea on my part. Rather I felt like it was a command on God’s part. How could I have listened to her story and not have acknowledged it later? “Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up!” 1 Thessalonians 5:11a
“….the God of all comfort who comforts is in all of our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 3:3-4

4. Go volunteer! And do it quickly. This is non negotiable with my teenagers. Hashtag: three teenagers who have everything they need. I believe with every fiber in my body that the quickest way to humility, joy, and most importantly perspective, is absolute without a doubt serving another human being. Volunteerism in our country is engaged by a minority of people according the US Bureau of Labor Statistics. Why is that? We are B.U.S.Y. But we waste as much time as we spend. And the time wasted is evident in the precious energy we expend in that vicious cycle of watching the news and the complaining that ensues. The volunteer rate for Americans 15 years and older, was little changed at 25.3 percent ending in September 2014. (U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics) “For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ The King will reply, Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.” Matthew 25
5. UNplug your teenagers (and yourself) at least one day a week and eat dinner around the table at least three days a week. Seriously this makes a HUGE difference in the lives of your kids. It gives you opportunity to teach them how to make a difference in the lives of others. Teach them how to have a meaningful conversation with others without the aid of electronics. How? By YOU having meaningful conversations with THEM minus the aid of electronics. “Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth.” Deuteronomy 11
6. Stop. Look. And listen. Remember those three little commands you taught your toddlers about crossing the road? Well, it also works when you want to make a difference in someone’s life. Last week my husband and daughters were eating breakfast at the local Ihop and engaged in a conversation with the hostess and found out she has an adult daughter in Oklahoma with late stage cancer. Her story was heartbreaking. Halle stopped. Looked at her. And listened. Then she asked her for her daughter’s name to put it in her prayer journal. I plan to follow-up with her to see if there’s something more we can do. Be aware of what’s going on in your world. In order to do that, you have to remove yourself (or your child) from the center of it.
To answer before listening, that is folly and shame.” Proverbs 18
7. Pay for someone’s meal. Sponsor a child for summer camp. Buy a single parent a refrigerator. Help your friends move. Pack out their house for them. Watch your neighbor’s dogs while they are on vacation. Invite your kids’ friends over to give their parents a night out. Make a dessert for someone who goes out of their way providing customer service. Kroger has pre-bagged groceries for the homeless. You just throw it in your cart and pay for it when you check out. Kroger does the rest. Mentor a child. Read to your kids. You get the picture.

While it’s true that our world is full of discourse and trouble, that only means it is bursting at the seams with opportunities to make a difference in someone’s life.
We simply cannot afford to allow the difficulties and the politics of this world to render us useless and helpless. That would be a shame. There’s so many wonderful acts of grace and kidness you can engage in now and so little time. So get out there. Turn off the tv (and your phone if necessary) and go make that difference. And for goodness sake, have fun doing it.

Can bad manners alone incite riots?

Manners

Two current events and one ho-hum event from my every day life. First, riots in Baltimore that include destroying property and looting businesses, physically assaulting innocent people, and critically injuring a police officer. Second, A professor at Texas A&M University in Galveston fails his entire class as his last official act before quitting his job, citing a pervading attitude of insolence, cheating, and extreme disrespect in his class. Third, A substitute teacher at a local high school in a Houston suburb. An entire class of students refuse to do their work. They are disrespectful, mouthy, and call their substitute teacher vulgar names as they exit the classroom. What do these three events have in common? Two current events in the national news and one event in the humdrum, perhaps mundane events of my own daily life. What do they possibly have in common? One common trait from each event that stands out to me is this: they all exhibit many of the same behaviors. Rude, disrespectful, inhumane, mean-spirited, self entitled, self-centered, and sometimes criminal. Just bad manners. Period. They are from all walks of life, different races and ethnic backgrounds, men, women, boys, and girls.
But why are they acting like uncivilized human beings devoid of decency and humanity? Please don’t say they were rightly provoked by the incident surrounding Freddie Gray’s death. How could that possibly explain stealing and thievery, arson, and assault? Surely no reasonable person could excuse that sort of behavior or perceive it to be “ok” in any case whatsoever? And if you can excuse this criminal behavior, then you must also believe that a civilized society is completely incompatible with one that does not allow the freedom to commit crimes under extreme duress. I would think especially if one of the looters or arsonists or physically combative persons in Baltimore were truly indignant over an alleged act by the police which they felt to be criminal in nature, surely that person of all persons, would be completely opposed and have an aversion himself to committing a crime that he (or she) personally finds so appalling. Right? Then there’s the college classroom in Galveston. Here’s a teacher who has no history of indiscriminately failing students. By all accounts he appears to be a decent human being and teacher, above reproach in his place of employment and his community. He said “I was dealing with individuals swearing at me both in and out of class and it got to the point the school had to post security guards in this and another class.” He further claimed that the students had spread online rumors about his wife and added that their immature and incompetence would hamper their efforts at entering the professional work force. Then there is the substitute teacher abuse. Multiple classes. Multiple students. Refusing to do class work for no other reason than they simply don’t want to. Calling the teacher names like “nasty ho,” an act that if it were reversed would get the substitute teacher fired for sure.
Really how has it all came to this? But I know this is not new. People, citizens, have been acting this way for centuries. But here’s the thing. As society has progressed over the last century, there is an expectation or a belief, perhaps too unreasonable of one, that people grow and mature at the same rate as their civilized society grows. In others words, there is a general sense among Americans that we are not the “same” unlearned, prejudiced, imperialistic nation that we once were. That along with astronomical growth in areas like technology, space exploration, medical advancement, great educational strides, scientific discoveries, we are also growing and maturing as humanitarians, as generous and compassionate adults. Unfortunately this is not always the case. The former does not = the latter. In all three of these cases-two current events and my one “ho-hum” day-to-day life event, we are dealing with men and women, boys and girls, young and old alike, whose moral compass is virtually absent. The only compass they have as a guiding point is the one guiding them to ill-gotten gain, and the shortest route to satisfying their own selfish wants and desires. Whether that is a big screen tv in a looted and burning business in a district like Baltimore where political unrest has afforded a target of opportunity to combatants and aggressors to do what they might have done otherwise, or a classroom of students who just want to “goof off” and accuse their teachers of being lame or somehow beneath them, in lieu of working, studying and putting their parents’ tax school dollars to proper use. In the case of the college students, their moral compass was so absent that their teacher feared for his own life and felt his only recourse to protecting himself as well as his wife’s honor was to quit his job.
quote-the-children-now-love-luxury-they-have-bad-manners-contempt-for-authority-they-show-disrespect-socrates-310695
In 1995 I had five co workers killed in the Oklahoman city federal building, 5 best friends. I also watched my parents die as a five-year old. They drowned in a senseless accident in front of my eyes as I stood helpless on the shore with my two sisters. This event led me down paths for years to come that I found very difficult to navigate. In my life, I have been hurt by others, betrayed by some, beaten down by circumstances. Yes. But never once was I driven by my pain, betrayal, or my lot in life to loot and burn businesses to the ground, to physically assault any innocent person, including a police officer. Never once did I find it necessary or right to mouth off to a teacher, terrorize them through social media or bully adults and peers. Even someone I did not like. Never. One. Time. That’s not to say I have never been disrespectful. (If only..) It is to say that disrespect was never excused by my circumstances.
I would submit that the ones who truly care about Freddie Gray and the circumstances surrounding his death are not the ones burning down buildings and looting and stealing and assaulting police officers. No I do NOT for one minute believe that those persons perpetuating crime and violence, and terrorizing their own communities, in which they live, are the ones who give a flip about Freddie Gray. Neither my anger, my indignation, my position-wrong or right, my political beliefs, my sexual persuasion, my marital status, my lot in life, my age, my gender, my grade in school, my disagreements, my agreements, my height, my weight-Nothing. Not One Thing. No incident, tragic or joyful in my life has ever, ever persuaded me to destroy buildings, physically assault people, or treat teachers disrespectfully just because I can. My freedom was paid for with a high price. That price was too high for me to turn around and loot, burn, and hate. That is most assuredly not how I say thank you for my freedom. It is not how I choose to exercise my freedom or my rights. I simply never have a right to do what is wrong. I always tell my girls, “Do the next right thing.” That is not about following the rules, although rules are good things. It is about exercising common sense and compassion.
Good-manners-matter
Finally, where are the parents? Yes, I know it’s usually what I end with. I can’t help myself. Too many parents have too many priorities that don’t include rearing a child that is a generous and compassionate adult, and simply respectful of others. Absent fathers keep piling up along with disrespect and bad manners. And as long as they do, it will be difficult to find good candidates to teach our children, police our neighborhoods, hold town hall meetings, and to lead our communities into the future, a future that should be full of continued advancements in technology, but also one full of hope, living in a place where we feel safe and secure.

Shades of Darkness

Shattered This is an unofficial review of the book “Fify Shades of Gray,” and so can be applied to same movie. Here are my disclaimers. I didn’t read the book or see the movie. Not my genre of course. But I did extensive reviews and read trailers so that I could formulate a response to many of the pervading questions and arguments about and in favor of the book with some measure of insight. If that obliterates my credibility for you, then don’t read the blog. That’s the advantage of living in an age of information. Like you, I get irritated when someone slams the book but doesn’t read it. Or when someone slams a church, but doesn’t visit it. But I can assure you that is not the story here. I just can’t bring myself to read it completely through. Sort of for the same reason I don’t feast on donuts and sausage biscuits every morning for breakfast. It’s not healthy. I didn’t read the book for the same reason I don’t binge on food or drugs or alcohol. It’s just not good for me. So I have heavily leaned on this age of information in which we live. Also if you are not a bible reader, don’t be put off by the references in this blog. They directly apply and respond to to some of the questions I am answering that have been proffered by others. The truth is you should read this if you are a mother of a son, a mother of a daughter or a mother-period. You should read it if you are in a sexual relationship or plan to be at some time in your life. Trust me. It applies.

Garbage in garbage out. And that’s not simply because of the sexually explicit material. One of the reasons I wouldn’t read this or allow my girls to read it, is the same reason I vetoed a lot of Nickelodeon TV when they were little, and that is: It dumbs us down. I want my girls to be smarter than all of that. The other reasons of course are explicit. And in 100% fairness to my three teenagers, they didn’t want to read the book either or see the movie.

So I have been privy to the observations of some who say this book (movie) is no different than the scenes depicted in the Song of Solomon in the bible. The book is nothing like Song of Songs in the bible-apples and oranges. Song of Songs is very erotic, but rated G compared to this, and it isn’t the erotica that is so repelling and appalling, but rather, the book is about dominance and S&M. (Sadism and Masochism) and BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, S&M) It is about a guy (very self controlling and neurotic man) who wants the girl (a virgin) to sign a contract before entering into a sexual relationship with him. And why? 1 So that she promises to not speak to anyone about what they do together, and 2 so that there can be no legal concerns for him. First she just has sex with him, then she gets “spanked,” and then she allows him to beat her with a belt. I am pretty sure the story goes down hill from there. Her “best friend” does nothing but encourage her to stay in the relationship. Remind me to dump a best friend like that!

So in other words, the same behavior which would land you in jail otherwise (physical assault) is okay when in the confines of a consensual relationship? And how does one determine when something is truly consensual? Is it only age, 18 and over, really? In this case, the girl was 20 or 21, a virgin, and the man older and obviously more sexually experienced and more worldly.

Here are some excerpts of critic reviews which I find compelling to the extent that I can’t believe how naive educated people can be:

A reviewer on the “feminist-friendly website Jezebel” wrote: “Our consensus: the book is pretty ridiculous — for every lashing there’s an ‘OMG!’ — but if it’s making more women feel comfortable discussing their sexuality, we’re all for it.”

Okay so let me understand this: it’s NOT okay for Ray Rice to slap his fiancée around in an elevator (and it is NOT okay) but IF he had slapped her around within the confounds of a “consensual” relationship, that exact same behavior would be okay? Beating another person, is never okay. We have a term for that! It’s called domestic abuse. I also love how we confuse consensual with complicit in this case. I don’t think the female character in the book was so much consensual as she was complicit in the acts committed against her. She was young naive and ignorant. In my book, that makes her far more complicit than it does consensual! Those are two words that we often confuse, one-complicit-which we almost completely ignore and two-consensual-which we abuse and exploit when it’s convenient to support our position on domestic abuse, or in the question of whether or not sex is consensual.

The New Zealand Herald: “But it was also an easy read and if you can suspend your disbelief and your desire to – if you’ll pardon the expression – slap the heroine for having so little self respect, you might enjoy it.” Unbelievably degrading. I hardly have anything to add to that highly NON-intelligent quote from such a profound journalist.

Would you want your daughter in a relationship like this? Would that be what you hope for her? Each time I see a statement like the former: “If you can suspend your disbelief and your desire to – if you’ll pardon the expression – slap the heroine for having so little self respect, you might enjoy it,” I think of my own daughters. Replace the word “heroine” in that sentence with your daughter’s name. Shelby, Halle, Katie! Now say that statement again-aloud substituting the word heroine with your own child’s name!

To be completely fair, there were as many negative reviews on the book as there were positive. But those negative reviews were split differently in their positions. Many of them objected on moral issues, while others objected solely on the literary issue that the book was poorly written, but didn’t necessarily take moral issue with the content.

Okay so for those of you who wrestled with a connection to “Song of “Solomon.” The latter book in the Old Testament is a story about love and erotica: “it makes a connection between conjugal love and sex, a very important and very biblical connection to make.” (The Message narrative)

1. The connection between love and erotica.Both are absolutely essential in a romantic relationship, particularly marriage. This connection is for all intents and purposes, absent in the book.
2. There is not one example of BDSM in the romantic relationship of Song of Solomon. It definitely has elements of submission, but by all accounts both people appear to be fully submitted to one another sexually and both smitten by the other. The only example of violence in the book is in chapter 5 verse 7. When she goes to look for her lover and is accosted by the guards of the watch tower, she is beaten by them. Scripture does not say why, but women in 900 something-BC when this book was written were not considered safe roaming the streets at night. They were extremely vulnerable. And if they were found alone roaming the streets as she was disoriented and searching frantically for her husband, then she would be considered, to say the least, vulnerable. There is absolutely No evidence whatsoever in this passage of BDSM or of her lover beating her. YET that is the entire premises of the book “50 Shades.”
3. Another interesting element: The male in the book requires the aforementioned contract from the girl-one agreeing to a consensual relationship of total submission and beatings. I love the contrast. Jesus invites us into a covenant relationship, one also of total submission to Him, but it is not one where we are to be bruised and battered physically and emotionally. It is one where we are loved (Matthew 11:28-30-and John 8) The John 8 Passage hits close to home-about the woman caught in adultery. The Pharisees wanted to stone her, (sounds like the book,) but Jesus loved her and you know what happened-He turned the finger back on her accusers. And His last words recorded to this woman were some of the most graceful in scripture “…then neither do I condemn you, go now and leave your life of sin.” What love and grace is that? And don’t forget the Samaritan woman in John chapter 4. No one else would talk to her but Jesus. He did, and told her “I am the living water. Drink from me and you will never thirst again.” This is the contractual covenant that Jesus invites us into; it is one that maintains our self-respect in spite of who we are. It is one that loves us and invites us to make intelligent decisions, be strong women, and to administer grace to others, but never at the expense of our self respect. And He does not expect us to be doormats in order to have the sexual relationship due us. He never ever expects us to be beaten, mistreated, or abused in exchange for HIS love. It does not in any way dumb us down or ask us to submit ourselves to gross perversity or disgrace or, God forbid, physical abuse.

4. Okay, the popularity of the book cannot be denied. Why do women love this? Let’s explore that question, for as it is with anything, we cannot hammer others with the truth. It is highly unlikely it will be received in the spirit that we want it to be, so we need to invest and go deeper, figuring out the FIRST problem that apparently distorts the truth for them so much that they have a desire for something as perverse and aberrant as the suggestions in this book (not just spiritually, but culturally perverse as well) and why does it seem “okay and normal” for them? Women who love this book may be trying to fill a huge void of some sort. Something from their upbringing, their marriage, or their life. The problem is they see the book as part of the remedy. I see it (like porn for men) as perpetuating and intensifying the first problem(s).

On that note, a LOT of the critics who praise this book, praise it saying that it finally helps women, (not just men) get what they want in their sexual relationships. (And I am thinking this is what they want, beatings, and physical/emotional battering?) BUT nevertheless, I suspect there is something to this. After all, I was raised by grandparents who not only did not discuss sex with me, but also taught me that sex was intended solely for reproducing offspring, not intended for enjoyment. (No I’m not kidding!) So had God not intervened, I may have entered into marriage never speaking my mind or saying what I want or enjoy. I suspect that 1000s of women who are reading these books have been sexually suppressed in one way, one form or another. My answer for them, is wake up! Ask questions! If you are married start by talking to your husband about how you feel about you sex life. Get counseling if necessary. Do that first before reading this ridiculously stupid book that teaches you little to nothing about a happy healthy sex life, but a LOT about how to NOT have a normal, happy, vibrant, reciprocal, passionate sex life.

And if you do choose to read the book or see the movie, please don’t let your kids (or teenagers) see it. They can make that decision when they are your age! Finally, and this is for all of the “experts, Christians, non-Christians, and anyone else who has the mind to consider this question: Is this where women’s rights and pursuing our equalities has led us? Really? To be objects of abuse and contempt? Is this what we have arrived at in the 21st century? Women have struggled for equality, for recognition in the corporate world, the church, the home? And after all of that, this is what we have to be thankful for? The liberty of joining in on a supposed consensual relationship of BDSM?? God help us if this is a measuring stick to redefine the relationship between lovers or the progress of women’s rights! I can’t believe that anyone with any sense would say that is progress.

PERSPECTIVE

PERSPECTIVE

Perspective. We all need it. It’s always relevant. But not necessarily easily accomplished. This very week in history, a co-pilot for a commercial airliner from Germany en route from Barcelona to Düsseldorf, is believed to have taken his own life. Unfortunately, he took another 150 innocent lives with him.They had not chosen the end to his life, or that this would be the end to theirs. Sometimes we can only pray for the darkness in this world. We can only hope and believe that the God of this universe is supreme and secures our immortality knowing that such immortality is in no way guaranteed in this life on this earth. So back to perspective. I have three teenagers of my own. With that, as you can imagine or know first hand, comes a lot of stress. Rigorous academics, short grading periods, try outs for drill team, theater productions, auditions for college, how to pay for college, major grade tests, End of Course Testing, and the list goes on and on. It’s a lot for young people to manage, and can be equally stressful for parents. Sometimes, some days I do feel like I am coming undone. I also sub teach in our school district. As a sub, I have lots of students, typically 12 to 19 years of age, and usually 6th grade through seniors. Their list of concerns and stressors often include divorced parents, custody battles, failing classes, pressure to have sex, teen pregnancy, unemployed parents, poverty, and that list goes on and on. Perspective. Often is the case when I get really frustrated with my teenagers, I remember some of these teenagers, my students, who don’t have parents or loving role models in their own lives-no one to worry about their grades and their happiness. Rapidly I regain perspective. I feel guilty about seeing someone else’s tragic circumstances and hardship as my means of maintaining proper perspective in my life. But it’s true, so true that there is always someone else who 1 has either gone through what you are going through or 2 who is actually enduring something worse. So what’s the importance of perspective? A more important question may be “what do you stand to lose without it?” Peace. Productivity. Common sense. Friends. Family. Faith. All important things and there are many more things you stand to lose when you can not wrap your mind around what is important-AND-when you are not able to push past the difficulties in your life by way of gaining perspective. And as adults we also have to teach our kids this important principle. Yes it is of paramount importance-like kindness, manners, respect, and hard work. We know and agree that these are impactful and necessary teaching points, but we don’t always think about the importance of teaching perspective. But truthfully all the former important behavioral traits are near impossible without the latter. Recently my 9th grader had a friend who said she simply “could not go on” since one member of the boy band, “One Direction,” had left the band and apparently decided to go in another direction. Pardon the pun. Now I realize that with teenagers there is a LOT of drama and a fair number of exaggerations. Remember? I have three teens. But hopefully as parents we are not just laughing off this kind of obsession, on the part of our children, with events and issues that we absolutely know as parents-“It. Just. Doesn’t. Matter.” Give yourself a gift. Give yourself perspective. Give your kids a gift. Teach them perspective. How? Discuss current events in a meaningful way. It doesn’t have to dominate all of your conversations nor does it have to happen every single day. But it should happen often. Secondly, make sure they are serving someone besides themselves. They need a volunteer activity. Do it through your church or you community center. Look for volunteer efforts coordinated through their schools. Get them involved with helping SOMEone who has nothing! Third, eat dinner together around the table as much as possible. Fourth, unplug from electronics at least one day a week and always during certain specific activities-like dinner around the table! Our day is Sunday for no electronics. Finally, remove your kids from the center of the universe. Honestly, they don’t deserve to be there. And neither do we. This is a good start for getting ourselves and our kids’ minds wrapped around perspective. And when we do, maybe their hearts will break in two over those 150 lives lost on that German Wings flight or maybe their hearts will break for that young person in their class at school who really needs a friend-or the homeless, hungry, and helpless-as opposed to their heart breaking over the breakup of their favorite pop band. Perspective gives us purpose and in the process makes us much happier and better members of our families and our communities, and virtually compels us to give back a very tiny (microscopic) part of all that we have been given.

The NEED to Control: What’s it worth to you?

What's it worth?
What’s it worth?

I expend a ton of energy trying to control things-some things plausible: my schedule, people and events-some things not so plausible: my schedule, people, and events. As I’ve gotten older, I realize that how well one controls isn’t nearly as important as how well one manages (and nurtures) what it is that we are trying to control. How do we manage and nurture our relationships? Our time? The ultimate frustration comes from trying to control something that has been mismanaged in the first place. For instance, you may try to control your spouse (their ideas, opinions) in a way that fortifies your position, but YET you’ve mismanaged that relationship along the way. You’ve not prioritized date nights. You avoid his love language while fully expecting him to accommodate yours. You never acknowledge her day or show interest in her other than to discuss daily family logistics. And what about teenagers? Wow! One word ignites so many emotions: drama, hormonal changes, arrogant, loving, moody, confused, enlightened, depressed, happy. Try controlling all of that. It’s really not possible. Those relationships have to be managed well from the time they are toddlers. This helps navigate that rocky and uncertain but exciting journey of adolescence. But it is never too late to manage well. It is never too late to disengage the “control” button and engage your “manage with excellence” button. Never. Too. Late. Just step fully into your role as wife, husband, father, mother, son, daughter, employee, or employer, and do the next right thing. Manage isn’t equal to “just getting by.” Manage means literally to “succeed in accomplishing, to exercises direction, to work upon, to handle or direct with a degree of skill,” Merriam/Webster. The strong manage their lives. They nurture their relationships. The weak try to control everything. I know I have been guilty of trying to control everything and every relationship in my life. And the harder I try, the harder it becomes. Trying to control all facets of your life and others will send you over the proverbial edge. Our American culture has cultivated a society of free thinkers. Self expression, creativity, and innovation are hallmarks of America. Your loved ones, your employees and employers are a part of that culture. That’s a difficult bunch to control. Our time is better spent learning how to prioritize our commitments, how to nurture our relationships, and how to be good stewards of what you have been given: things like food, money, time, homes, cars, and the like! We need to exchange rigidity with flexibility. Hate for hope. A “jam-packed I ain’t got no time for anyone schedule,” with margin. We need to exchange living paycheck to paycheck with financial peace. Control for self-control. If you’re wondering “Is it ever possible for peace to be a part of my life vocabulary?” If you’re wondering “Can this difficult situation ever be reconciled?” Maybe you should examine your ability or lack thereof to relinquish the wheel. The one you’re griping with white knuckles! For me, I have decided that self-control is actually a more palpable idea, managing my stuff, my time, my money, my relationships. This demands humility. Control requires arrogance. If only I had known this sooner! But as we said before, it’s never too late to start to manage. Make your own new beginning. It’s not so much a resolution as it is a heart-felt desire.

“Working Moms:” Remember the One Thing

Photo Creds: memaandpapas.com
Photo Creds: memaandpapas.com

I sat behind a young mommy the other day on a flight from Houston to Newark. She had a sweet little baby boy less than a year old in tow. He was adorable and occasionally noisy but not so much the latter. Some part of me wanted to say “been there many times and it can be done!” The other part of me wanted to say “put your seatbelt on lady. It’s going to be a bumpy ride!” But she had it well under control, and I just enjoyed his toothy smile peering back at me through the opening in the seat. Parenting. Is there any tougher assignment? I think probably not! There’s only one way to tackle this job: head on! With perseverance, unquenchable hope, humility, resolve, and a boat load of love. Still there is this tension I see constantly for moms: to work outside the home or to not work outside the home? What’s best for my kids? With regard to the ever irritating phrase “working mother,” has there ever been a title more misleading, misused, and often misplaced-driving a wedge between us? Two camps. Two polarized views of how parenting (mothering) is defined. Well let’s work on setting this record straight. Regardless of which camp you’re in, know that each has something to learn about the other. And know that each often, commonly maintains a lie of its own! But first things first! I believe yes that there is ONE thing that we ALL agree on right? That ONE thing is this: the kids are the most important thing! Not our jobs, college degrees, or our household income. Not our volunteer activities, projects OR the kids’ extra curricular activities! Once we make the decision to raise that child as our own, it’s like we’ve signed an automatic disclaimer and acknowledgment of responsibility: “I know and accept as truth that it’s our (or my) job to raise this child to be a productive, compassionate, and generous human being!” Surely, that’s our #1 goal. Surely that’s the ONE thing. Otherwise and if not, we’re signing on to “raise this child to be a non-productive, self-centered, and selfish human being!” Ok so you see it really doesn’t MATTER if you work OUTSIDE the home or if you work full-time AT HOME. We all have (should have) the same goal. We are raising productive, compassionate, and generous adults! If that’s NOT your goal as parents, then for you this blog ends here. For the rest of us: whether we work outside the home or not, here’s food for thought. What do you have to do to attain the #1 thing? Do it. Don’t lie to yourself and say “I have to work. I have two car payments and a X square hundred foot house.” (when in fact you could drive a lot cheaper and paid for car and/or live in a smaller house!) Instead say I want to work because I think working outside the home contributes to my children’s welfare this way ________!” Then sell that to yourself! If you’re a stay at home mom who feels like this is the best decision for your family, then don’t lie to yourself and say “this decision will produce perfect children.” Remember we want to produce productive, compassionate and generous adults. There’s no such thing as perfect people much less perfect children. What’s involved in the former is far more reaching! Maybe you’re glued to “projects” or the computer, and your daycare arrangement is the television. Reexamine your family values and your decision to not work outside the home. “I think my decision contributes to the #1 thing for this reason,_______!” Then sell that to yourself. So here’s my final and humble suggestion: 1st please cease with the phrase “working mothers!” I really hate that phrase. In the majority of cases, it’s absolutely redundant. I rarely EVER meet a mother who is not working. And 2nd, why is there not a blog about the working dads dilemma? That’s for another day. And another blog entry.

The Santa Clause Dilemma

Three little Santa's and how they grew!
Three little Santas and how they believed!

When our girls were little, they believed in Santa Clause. That caused us no undue panic. It wasn’t because we lied to them. But neither was it because we eagerly or overly embraced the whole Santa Clause cause. No, it was for two simple reasons. 1 We had a life. This means they interacted with the general public, neighbors, neighbors’ children, their little friends, and they attended public school. We also lived that life within a culture that, generally speaking, heavily promoted the Santa aspect of the holiday season. And 2 They believed in Santa because they had vivid imaginations.
Paul and I neither one, were interested, NOR did we have the time or inclination, to be so dogmatic and malicious as to intentionally denounce another person’s stance on Santa Clause. Especially since many of these other persons were both our close friends and friends of our own children. And furthermore, our children had an enormous number of imaginary friends, both conjured up from their own play time and from the many books they read. Yes, that’s right non-existent-though they may have been-just like Santa, these imaginary friends made them smarter, savvier, emotionally healthy, more generous, and more compassionate human begins. And I believe their fictitious friends most assuredly raised their IQ! And most importantly, imaginary friends allowed them to be children in a world and culture that wants to rob our kids of that precious innocent season of their lives. What? Imaginary friends (like Santa) can do all that? Yes! Just like imaginary books, you know the genre! FICTION!
So what’s the dilemma? The dilemma can exist for both Christians or non Christians alike. “Santa is not real. Jesus is real.” And/or “There are children all over the world who don’t receive gifts! How can we possibly perpetuate the Santa fallacy?”
Those parents entrapped by the Santa Clause dilemma usually fall into one of two opposing camps. Those who want to promote the big snow bearded guy as truth for as long as possible. And those who want to debunk the theory from the time their child exits the womb. Those in the first camp are died in the wool Santa fools. (I mean that in the nicest of ways.) These folks not only leave Santa cookies and milk, but they also leave feed for the reindeer. They totally embrace Santa on a deep level with their children-not only in fun-but as an intricate and necessary element of their childhood-which it clearly is not! They get angry when someone on the playground or on a public school bus spills the beans about Santa (and his reindeer.) To this camp, I would say good luck trying to keep the conspiracy going until YOU are ready to sit Junior down and tell him yourself. If you live in the “real” world, you cannot avoid the unavoidable. Don’t die trying.
Then there are the anti Santa Clause crusaders in the other camp. This group of parents believe it is their sworn and Godly duty as parents to craft the perfect plan to prevent their children’s minds from being ruined by believing in the jolly old guy. Furthermore, it’s also their duty to let others know they are lying to their children, and they feel completely justified in telling other people’s’ children the truth about Santa (as if they are never going to find out on their own!) This group will struggle with every form of imaginary play engaged by their child, that doesn’t cut the mustard with their own self-imposed censorship. And good luck with that too.
To both of these camps, I would say that these parents often live in the land I like to refer to as UNreality. Both of these camps need to realize that the world neither revolves around you or your child.
For us personally, we thought, “how bad can this Santa character be for our kids? He’s loving, compassionate, generous, and big and plump with rosy cheeks. And he’s PRETEND!” We left the cookies on the mantle for Santa. We hugged our kids when those little eyes sparkled at the thought of Santa and his sleigh. But we also required from a very young age, for them to buy and donate toys and clothing to the less fortunate. We shared (still share) our faith, did (still do) advent and taught them (still teach) about Jesus. And somewhere along the way, those little girls became big girls with servants’ hearts. There was no trauma, drama or necessary therapy. Just one day they figured the Santa thing out. I think we had it easy because we chose not to languish in either of those pointless camps. We just let them be kids, and we just left everyone else alone with their version of the Santa Clause story. Whether you are for Santa or against him, the harder you charge, the more needless drama and trauma you inflict on others and possibly even on your own kids. Please spend your time and energy on the things that matter in parenting: Rearing kids that become constructive, generous, compassionate, adults. And leave the Santa dilemma behind. Because. It. Just. Doesn’t. Matter.

Courtesy and Respect. Are we losing ground?

“These things will destroy the human race: politics without principle, progress without compassion, wealth without work, learning without silence, religion without fearlessness, and worship without awareness.” Anthony de Mello
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Kindness3

Courtesy. Respect. Kindness. Forgotten fundamentals.
There are many events in history we can undoubtedly pen as building blocks of this country. Valor. Courage on the battlefield. Skyscrapers. Inventions. Industrial progress. Technological and digital advances. But what we don’t often think of when we are considering forward progress and advancement in this great country we live in, is how such fundamental behaviors as courtesy, respect, and kindness figured into that equation. Were these behaviors absent in the early settlers of America? When The Great Depression of the 30’s was king, and later, when economies rebounded? Were they completely nonexistent when the largest allied effort ever-set foot on the beaches of Normandy, France in the fight against the most evil triple axis of the 20th century? Were these basic behavior characteristics not present when women were given the right to vote in 1923? When battles were fought, wars were won? When railroad tracks blazed a line westward, when cell phones were invented, when civil rights were forged with blood and tears, when canals were dug, when a country adorned the trees in their front yards with yellow ribbons, when championships were lost and won and when gold medals were donned and the anthem played? Were they absent when Apple Macintosh debuted their first computer? When scaffolding was a sign of growth, and when families ate dinner around the table together? Was kindness, courtesy, and respect a part of this nation’s infrastructure that grew at maddening speed out of deliberation and hard work? Did courtesy and respect ever in our history play any part of the exponential growth of this young country into a world power? Did it? Or was it only IQ and a drive for money that saw such progress? Is the equation in retrospect only brilliance (IQ) + satisfying basic needs (making money) = present day world power? I don’t think so. Common courtesy most certainly did not always accompany our every effort. Neither kindness or respect could be seen in the brutality that often accompanied our country’s expansion. The very lack of kindness, courtesy and respect, in a large part, prompted the fight for civil rights in the 60’s and later. But I think at every juncture, at the center of every campaign and effort set forth in this country, there were both common and extraordinary people whose efforts exuded kindness and respect as virtues necessary for progress. Moms, Dads, school teachers. Soldiers, preachers, and common laborers and yes even politicians. Neighbors, children, teenagers, parishioners, store clerks, and doctors. But somehow we have suspended the need for such common courtesies. Thank you. Please. You’re welcome. Can I help? Friendly driving. Holding the door open for someone. Looking the person in the eye when you speak to them. Answering messages. Good morning. Good evening. Listening before speaking. Respecting authority. Showing interest in others. It’s almost as if we have unilaterally decided that we have come so far and now have so much, that kindness and courtesy is no longer required or necessary for growth and progress. As if that were the only reason to show respect and courtesy to others. It’s as if we have replaced these traits with the need for vengeance, self entitlement and paying back wrongs with wrongs. When I substitute teach, I am often aghast at the lack of respect afforded subs and teachers alike. Just driving from point A to point B affords a lesson in how to be rude and selfish. Even at church, kindness and genuine openness seems to be a challenge for many. Sadly Christmas shopping seems to bring out the worst in so many whose season of peace and good will is completely lost in the madness of being the first in line. Go through the list of common courtesies named in the sentences above. Somewhere along the way, we have failed as parents, teachers, preachers, neighbors, drivers, builders, expanders, innovators, coaches, presidents and as human beings to show and to teach others the virtues of common courtesies and yes, the success that accompanies that. Most importantly when we fail to value these common fundamental behavior traits, then our children fail to value them. And so in this department, we fail our children. Our children are truly the future. We may raise kids who are successful in business and in athletics, but will we raise kids who are able to see the value in kindness, not only for themselves, but for the continued growth and health of this great country that we live in? Are the two connected? I think the answer is a resounding “yes!”

9 pieces of advice for parents of toddlers (and little kids) from someone who learned the hard way!

Sweethearts
Sweethearts

DISCIPLINE ISN’T OPTIONAL
Even though we live in a culture that has evolved from being a parent to being a “buddy.” It’s not so much about outcomes as it is your example of action and follow through. Your decision to discipline is not contingent upon their past or present responses to your disciplinarian action. We do it because it’s the right thing to do. It sets up expectations for the rest of their lives. Sometimes the responses we desire are seen much later. It’s like continuing to offer them veggies whether they eat them or not. We know what healthy eating looks like and what it does not look like. Just as we know what healthy behavior looks like and what it’s not. So just as we value physical health in our family, so we value healthy behavior. Therefore we value discipline. It should not be easily discarded or carelessly disregarded by the parent. It’s paramount.

CONNECT THE DOTS
Don’t disconnect these years with the rest of their life. Too often as parents of little kids, (and big) we compartmentalize their stages of growth and maturity as if one is wholly separate from the other. As a very good general rule, if you have a child with 0 responsibilities, chores, or expectations, he will become an adult who is unemployed or else an employee whose mediocrity is reflected in his appraisals and work performance. If you raise a child whose world is self serving and self entitled, she will become a self entitled spouse and employee, perhaps unwilling to bring 100% of her own effort to anything. If you raise children who never volunteer their efforts or resources by serving or giving to someone in need, you will produce adults who are superficial and have little compassion for others whether it’s the indigent of our society or your child’s very own next door neighbor. Bottom line, if your child has a certain pattern of behavior (Good or Bad. Constructive or Destructive) then discourage it or embrace it respectively. Those behavior patterns (left unchecked or checked) will absolutely characterize the rest of their lives.

APATHY IS a LETHAL Weapon to Effective PARENTING
Don’t ever say “well I did it so they’re going to do it anyway.” This one really requires no explanation. It reeks of ignorance. Did you have sex when you were 15? Did you drink and become drunk in your teens or twenties? Ever drive drunk? Were you (are you) addicted to pornography, narcotics or prescription drugs? Did you disrespect your parents and teachers? Did you steal something? What regretful behavior from your past have you laid upon the back of your child? To what inevitable black pit in life have you assigned them because -after all “I did that too and a tiger can’t change his stripes?” Use your experiences as a teaching tool. Use them as reminders to love and cherish your children enough to gently lead them along a different path. It can happen. We can make a different decision about the future we want for our children minus the personal baggage of shame, guilt, or apathy rendered by our own past.

DON’T LIE TO YOUR KIDS
Sure this seems like a no brainer. But you would be surprised. Lying to your kids when they ask you a direct question is setting them up for the land of poor choices, self-destruction, and estrangement. Little lies or big lies. Don’t fall into the trap. You may be forfeiting your relationship with your child in the long run in exchange for self-satisfaction in the short run. But that satisfaction will be short lived. Eventually they will know the truth, and when they do, all bets are off. Your “good intentions” will be trumped by the lies and the omissions of truth that accompanied the original discussion. When I discussed abstinence and other choices about sex with my girls, you can bet they asked if I was a virgin when I got married. “No!” was the quick, truthful answer. It set the stage for an open and honest dialogue about the consequences that choice had for me as well as the implications of their own choices. If you come from a family of liars (or a “non confrontational, passive aggressive, always avoid the issues” kind of family) stop that cycle of dysfunction right now! This does NOT mean sharing truths with your kids that are either 1 unnecessary or 2 age inappropriate! Not. At. All. But being honest with your spouse and your children (taking into consideration your child’s age at the time of the discussion,) will largely determine their ability to be fully successful in committed relationships as teens and adults.

LET THEM BE KIDS FOR GOD’S SAKE
Girls and boys are entering adolescence three times as early as they were 50 years ago or even 20 years ago. The problem with that is their emotional growth is not nearly in step with the information bombarding them-cultural messages that distort and dictate their ideas and thoughts about sex, their bodies, marriage, relationships, etc. Our culture is pushing our children into adolescence and “adulthood” prematurely with a perpetual exposure to inappropriate media! TV, movies, video games, electronic devices and social media are a battering ram for young in-formidable minds. Sadly, they are badgered by sexual messages and adult choices at an age they are neither physiologically or emotionally meant to process such adult information. Furthermore, our small children are being taught at a very young age to use their left brain at the expense of their right brain. The full onslaught of social media has debilitated our abilities as parents to teach our children the importance of play, imagination, and the sheer innocence and joy of being a little kid. The implications of this are far-reaching and potentially dangerous. Their ability to interact socially, problem solve, seek conflict resolution, or just speak intelligently is seriously hampered. Let me spell this out simply. For example, if you have young children, they probably don’t need to watch an R rated movie or own a smart phone.

THERE IS NEVER AN EXCUSE FOR RUDE
Never play the personality card as a free pass for fundamental expectations and behaviors. If your child is shy or outgoing, introvert or extrovert, quiet or noisy, they should be expected and required to use manners. They should be capable of looking someone in the eye and have a conversation with them, order their own food, and treat others with respect. When I sub teach, just the simple task of taking morning role can become a circus. Kids are no longer taught simple manners. If someone says your name, a simple “here” or “present” is fine. On the other hand, “Yeah,” grunting, or totally ignoring the teacher-none of these are respectful responses. Yet it happens every single day. I can’t tell you how often I see a small child get a free pass for rude behavior from his parent who chimes in immediately “he’s shy.” I have friends with autistic children who require these basic manners and courtesy from their mentally challenged child. We live in a world where adults are ruder than ever. It’s a tall order to expect our kids to use respect and common courtesy in their every day life when it’s not modeled by the adults in their lives. And while we are on this subject, be wary of the labels you attach to your kids. ADHD, LD, ODD, the list is endless. Are many of these labels valid? Yes, of course. But the louder we yell this to our kid, the more he becomes the label, and the less we expect of them. The less they expect of themselves. Each child is unique and special-intrinsically-independently of their diagnosis, their labels, their personality quirks. Often, their label becomes their personality. They become defined by their label. Sadly, separate from their label, they feel unimportant. Their personality becomes their free pass, their excuse from simple expectations of courtesy and respect. Be on guard parents.

DON’T BAIL THEM OUT
When my kids were really little, we spent many hours at the park. I would cringe whenever I saw another kid take a minor fall or scrape, and the mom come swooping over and pick her up and coddle her-over what? A scratch. The stakes are low right now parents. Our kids definitely need to be able to live inside a safe boundary. That’s the privilege we have as parents, offering our kids a safe refuge where they are uncondItionally loved. However, this does not include bailing them out, coddling them, never letting them be disappointed, never making them wait for a special gift or event, manufacturing a fake world in which they are the center of attention. The stakes are low NOW. One day the stakes will be higher. They’ll be away from us. Someone will hurt them emotionally. Do you want them to crumble or do you want them to know how to recover from disappointment, pain, and hurt? Do you want to groom them for success in work and relationships? Quit bailing them out. Because, once you start, it’s an endless vicious cycle.

READ WITH YOUR CHILD
Reading is a gift we give to our kids. It loves them. They love it. It’s about sharing ideas and having incredibly profound conversations that the book initiates for you. It is the portal to a big world, giving them a worldview, showing them that beyond the comfort of their small world, lays a big beautiful expanse of people, nature, and ideas just waiting for them to explore. It opens up possibilities for them. They can see themselves in successful relationships, jobs, and promising futures. You can get all that from just reading? Yes, you can. But more importantly, it is time well spent between a parent and a child. A wonderful time of love, appropriate touch, acceptance, and individual time with your child. READ. And when they are older, don’t let theme see the movie unless they have read the book, particularly if it is a movie based on a classic book!

HAVE FUN WITH YOUR KIDS
Establish family traditions. Go to the state fair together, have family dinners around the table. Take time for family vacations, special holiday traditions, board games, bikes, walks, and cuddles on the couch. Let them pile up in your bed for a few minutes at bedtime to talk about everything under the sun. (Our teenage girls still do this.) Or pile up in their bed. Laugh out loud together. Share inside jokes, music, books, friends, family. Share your heart. Let them in your world. Walk through the open door and thank God when they let you in theirs. Look straight into their eyes and remind yourself they are a gift from God that you have been given for only a short amount of time. Like a vapor, this time comes and it goes so quickly. Love them deeply. Treasure them always.