Category Archives: Daily living and character

How NOT To Raise Blue Ribbon Haters

Photo Creds: Emma Gulitti

In my daughter’s business there are a lot of haters. She’s a journalist. A young college journalist, not yet graduated into the greater world of news reporting outside the walls of her university, but still a journalist.

I told her to put her armor on. This is going to be a tough road.

She has already encountered blue ribbon haters. On one occasion, she inadvertently addressed a source in an email as he, but it was in fact a she. She ripped into my young college student who had no malicious intent whatsoever. She just made an error, and a minor one at that, based on the source’s name. My daughter apologized of course. But that didn’t matter to the offended. No forgiveness was granted. And not only that but the opportunity for a grown professional adult, (more than ten years older) to teach my student something about her life and her work in a life giving way, was completely lost.

Dang it!

The offended one only had it in her heart to hate, not to teach, not to grow, not to share. This person, who I believe felt like she had to fight hard to gain respect in a man’s world, lashed out at an unsuspecting young reporter, when she felt that position was threatened. She presupposed that this young woman somehow must have known that she was a she, yet intentionally referred to her as he, with the sole purpose of personally offending her. The student in this case had no malice aforethought at all. Indeed, she is by all accounts a studious and sincere student and employee. Not perfect by any measure. Case in point, an error was made. But rather, full of integrity and the desire to report truthfully. It seems crazy to me that you would just assume a complete stranger has it in for you. Yet, people take up this position frequently. They do it all in the name of some grand cause. But the truth is, these days, hate meters are pegged by the slightest provocation.

Let’s be clear. There are extremely serious offenses that happen in our culture, our communities and our world every day that leave deep scars and make the necessary art of forgiveness a challenging one. And rightly so. But more and more, the bar for hating in our culture has dropped dangerously low. The slightest mistake, rendering nothing more than perhaps a typographical error or a poorly timed statement, is elevated to a level of scrutiny for which it is simply not worthy. The truth is that a much more troublesome quandary idles deep inside of the hater. Whatever trivial event they trumpet on the outside as reprehensible, is a reflection of something much more spurious and bitter on the inside.

If you are in the running for a first place trophy in the contest of hating someone, whose only “real” offense is that they are not perfect, you might need to adjust the lenses through which you view all of humanity. Maybe the real issue (the spurious and bitter one) is that this person looks different from you, acts differently or votes differently. It is for all of us to examine difficult situations we find ourselves in, personal and professional and pursue a way to make positive changes, correct mistakes, and in the process grow yourselves and others. However, when we knowingly exploit a person’s mistake or his life and work inexperience in order to tear him down and even destroy him, then in that moment, you are a blue ribbon hater.

Do you see yourself or your child anywhere in this scenario? Are you a blue ribbon hater? One day I was perusing my old neighborhood’s online help site. It’s a place where you can post things for sale or ask questions like where to get a good car mechanic. As you can imagine, it can be very helpful. However, on this particular day a discussion started about an incident at the local high school. The person who initiated the discussion was unhappy with how the school administration handled ensuing communication with parents. By the end of this thread, over 50 grown adults were slinging mud at one another, using words as missiles. There was not a single constructive element to this online conversation. The whole intent of the majority of contributors was to verbally annihilate their perceived foe. These parents were themselves bonafide, blue ribbon haters. Naturally, our kids learn by “monkey see, monkey do.” How sad that truth can be when we, the parents, are acting like a spoiled, selfish, angry 2 year old.

Blue ribbon haters are on the radio too. One of my favorite radio stations does a “birthday scam” every few days. At the bequest of a person’s loved one, the DJ calls that person, and pretends to be a representative from an actual organization or place, who is complaining about their yard being unkempt or the fact they owe money for a cable bill. You get the picture. Almost every single phone call ends with the birthday girl or guy blowing up in anger. Conflict resolution be damned. Threats, swearing, you name it, full scale nastiness ensues. Finally, the DJ says, “Hey this is so and so from such and such radio station, and your husband wanted us to call you and say happy birthday.” By the end of the birthday scam, the only way to describe the birthday girl or boy in that moment is a “blue ribbon hater.”

Blue ribbon haters are characterized by a number of fundamental traits: 1 They have very few conflict resolution skills. If something goes amok with their grades, or their bills, office policy, or their project they hired out, or with their neighbor, or with a co worker, or their aunt, uncle, spouse or child, they go 0 to 60 in a hot minute. Erratic are the emotions of the day. Their responses are shallow, reactive, and angry as opposed to steady, thoughtful, and discerning. They simply don’t have conflict resolution skills that involve the ability to listen before responding, gathering information before acting, and only then advocating for themselves or their organization with both veracity and professionalism. 2 Blue ribbon haters never seek reconciliation, only punishment and self satisfaction. This is self explanatory. The punishment may only be a verbal assault as in the example of the birthday boy on the phone being scammed by the radio DJ. But whatever the case, punishment and a sense of self satisfaction is the goal. 3 Blue ribbon haters are not interested in mentoring relationships. Mentoring threatens to dismantle their platform of discontent. In their minds if they either reconciled with or mentored the person who offended them, that would condone the offense. Mentoring would require mature and well thought out responses. Hating only requires a knee jerk reaction. It’s less work. 4 The goal of the hater is to tear down. It isn’t to build up. To deconstruct, not instruct. The hater asks, “How can I make you feel worse?” And then they do that thing. 5 Blue ribbon haters are primarily interested in advancing their own agendas. Compassion and generosity are always secondary to that. Therefore advancing the cause of personal or professional growth is often viewed as an obstacle. 6 Blue ribbon haters are typically disgruntled in one or more areas of their life. If that is the underpinning of your relationships and your daily demeanor, then the stage on which your life plays out and unfolds will always be marked by conflict and discontent, never resolution and growth.

The title of this article is how NOT to raise blue ribbon haters. Okay. Go back to the last paragraph. And be sure to teach your children the opposite of numbers 1-6. And if you are a Jesus follower, be certain that these tenets didn’t begin with us. Teach them: 1 Conflict resolution skills. (Matthew 18:15-17 & James 1:19-20 & Proverbs 18:13) 2 The necessity of both reconciliation and accountability in order to create positive change. (2 Corinthians 5:12-21) 3 Ongoing mentoring relationships. They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. I think it is also true that an ounce of mentoring is worth a pound of healing. (Proverbs 15:22-23 & Proverbs 27:17 & 2 Timothy 2:2) 4 To build up others whenever and wherever we possibly can especially when we are in a position of influence and control. (1 Thessalonians 5:11 & Romans 14:19) 5 Compassion and generosity are not just for the weak-minded as you might have been told. They are in fact indicative of strength and self-confidence. Teach your children the truth about these two tenets. (Ephesians 4:29-32) 6 Discontent that stems from a disgruntled heart, can paralyze you in life and keep you from all good things. Truly, discontent with real issues can lead to real action and change. But, discontent that is rooted in bitterness is a breeding ground for hate. (Philippians 4:10-13)

Don’t. Be. A. Blue. Ribbon. Hater. And don’t teach your kids this either. Assess the situation that is tempting you to proceed with hatefulness. What are the facts involved? Was it personal and malicious? Sadly, personal and malicious, even if they are present, are also not excuses for being a hater. Hate just perpetuates hate. But it helps to make an assessment of the situation to determine with truthfulness how serious it really is or isn’t. Because clearly this is going to inform the level of response required (if it even requires a response). Does the situation you are in, whether you are the offended or the offender, require a response? Does it require change? If it does, then grab ahold of the opportunity to construct not deconstruct, to heal not destroy. To offer solutions, not additional chaos and conflict.

Empowering our girls God’s way

Girls Girls Girls

An article I wrote was graciously published today by christianparenting.org If you have girls (or boys as well) I am sure you are being pummeled with information about how to make them strong and empowered. Some of it is dicey. Because the worldview of empowering our girls often excludes the necessity to teach them compassion and kindness. Don’t fall for the idea that compassion and self-confidence cannot coexist.This is a lie. Please read and share! We need to fight back!

Empowering Our Girls God’s Way

Parenting With Gumption and Grit is now Available for Purchase

Finally, I have released my book, and I am happy to announce it can be purchased online at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or Target. This project has been a long time in the making. It is something I am very passionate about, and I have a deep desire to  help equip  parents with the tools necessary for raising positive kids in a culture that is not always so.  Take a chance on this easy but powerful read. You won’t regret it. 

 

Shout out to the producer and videographer of my first promotional video, my wonderful daughter, Kate Ann.

Faith part 1: Believing God Can even when he does not…

I have only to consider the beauty of nature when I wonder for even a single second if God “can.”

This may be an oldie (post) but a goodie.

Recently, an acquaintance made an innocent statement that said, “Faith is not believing that God can, but that God will.” I think this could be misleading. Okay, I think in some cases it could even be bad theology-depending on what the writer is referring to-our preferred outcomes OR God’s power. I flip this around a little bit. Because I believe faith IS indeed believing that God can– even when He does NOT. Faith is believing in the power of God even when the outcome is not to my liking. If your life doesn’t turn out the way you planned, does that render your God powerless? The short answer to that is “No.” But how often do you unconsciously act this out in your life, “My faith will be strong when_________” “I will believe in the power of God when I see this happen:_____________” Well, let’s see, When I meet the perfect man or woman and get married. When I have a baby. When I get that great job. When I see my children to adulthood. “ OR I will believe in the power of God as long as ____________ (fill in your own blank) Really? Is God’s power contingent upon our preferred outcomes? The bible says that God’s plans will not be thwarted. (Job 42:2, Isaiah 14:27) It doesn’t say the same thing about our plans. In fact, it says just the opposite. (Psalm 33:10; Isaiah 8:10 and Proverbs 19:21) Many Christians are missing great opportunities to serve God and cheating themselves of the abundant life promised us in John 10:10- because they are still waiting on that perfect marriage, that perfect church, perfect children, perfect job and ministry, and well-a perfect life by a standard that perhaps for years has been propagated by false theology, “Faith is not believing that God can but that God will…” (Fill in the blank) make my marriage perfect; Save my children from disastrous outcomes; give me the perfect job with the perfect boss with the perfect salary. 

Another way this might manifest itself: Well, maybe, rather than talk about problems in our marriage with a close and trusted Godly friend (of the same gender,) we keep it to ourselves. After all, if my marriage is in trouble, it must mean I don’t have enough faith, or the faith I have isn’t strong enough to ignite God’s power. It couldn’t be that sharing the daily issues of anxiety and strain and seeking out Godly counsel might put my marriage on a different path. Or, maybe rather than join a small group or enlist a mentor, I would avoid investing in deep intimate relationships, and not expect a small group or mentor experience to help me grow into spiritual maturity. If I need the help of someone else for that, then my faith must not be strong enough. Remember in this scenario, faith is not believing that God can, but that God will…” so that if he doesn’t then it must be me and my lack of belief. I think this theology possibly leads us to thinking that as a “Christian,” we must have it together at all times and always have the answer to our problems. If this were true, then Abraham, Jacob, Isaac, David, Esther, Ruth, Paul the Apostle, Peter, and a host of other Godly biblical men and women were the wrong people for the task at hand. Christianity would most certainly have died in the 1st century. It wasn’t perfect marriages, or perfect ministries, perfect leadership or perfect children that caused the glory of God to shine forth through these men and women. Rather it was their imperfect lives striving to be more and more like Jesus that made all the difference. 

I love love love the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Look at Daniel 3 with me. Okay, are you there yet? (Humming my favorite song.) Giving you time to go to Daniel 3 in your hard copy bibles, or your electronic bible; Okay got it? Now read verses 13-18. What do you see there? Some of the most powerful words in scripture you will ever read about 3 of the most faith filled God followers you will ever know. The Pagan king Nebuchadnezzar threatened to throw the three teenage boys into a hot fiery furnace if they did not bow down to him. This was there reply. And no matter how often I read it, it always gives me goose bumps. “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is ABLE to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But EVEN IF HE DOES NOT, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

They knew and believed that God was way more powerful than that fiery furnace. They trusted 100% in the power of God to rescue them from that furnace, but they also knew that God’s plans would not be thwarted even if their desired outcome was different. “But even if he does not choose to rescue us from death or give us what we want or what we think we need, we will still believe in Him.” (paraphrase) 

Okay, we know the end to that story. God did indeed save them from the fiery pit that day. But similar accounts did not always end this way. During Nero’s reign as Roman emperor from 54-68 AD, he arrested and tortured Christians in Rome, before executing them with lavish publicity. Some were crucified, some were thrown to wild animals and others were burned alive as living torches. This included men, women, and children. Indeed Paul the Apostle was martyred in Rome around 64AD and this would have been under Nero’s reign of terror. We also know from scripture and history that all the disciples of Jesus (not including Judas Iscariot) met with violent martyred deaths, with the exception of John who ostensibly died of natural causes on the Island of Patmos. One might ask, “Was their faith not strong enough for God to show God’s power?” 

God is always faithful. God is always good. God will always prevail. How do we know this? The lesson was played out on the cross. The empty tomb reminds us that the One to whom we raise our hands and voices is King over all. The Creator of this Universe is more powerful than anything we could hope or imagine 1st and foremost. This power PRECLUDES our existence! Grappling with this truth will render us hopeless and “fruitless,” as we expend our energy waiting and hoping for someone or something to fill in all the missing blanks of our lives so that our faith can “prove itself.” On the other hand, grasping this truth will free us from a stronghold of futility and hopelessness and position us to grow in the knowledge and joy of Christ. (2 Peter 1:5-8) Are you grappling or grasping this truth?

Community

What everyone needs!

Community happens in different places and spaces. It happens in a small group at church whether that’s your community group, your worship team, your children’s serve team or another group where you have shared experiences. It happens in your expat group when you live overseas. It happens with your neighbors here or abroad. It happens with the moms of your friends. Because after all, who knows better than they do how challenging parenting can be? It happens in all kinds of groups. The thing about community, whether it is with a group of Jesus followers at your church, or your neighbors next door, or your team at your office, clearly, just the group itself does not“community” make. Community happens when we invest in that group on a deeper level than that which is rendered by humdrum greetings and superficial engagements. Spiritual growth quite naturally is born out of real community. When you have authentic community resulting from personal investment which includes personal disclosure and quality time spent together, spiritual growth is inherent. It is inevitable. You can’t really stop it from happening. In fact, I would go so far as to say, that in the same way a lack of engagement in the Word, or an on and off prayer life, can stymie spiritual growth, so can a lack of true community. 

So how does community grow us spiritually? How does it make us better friends, spouses, parents, employees, or ministry leaders? How does community compel us to be more loving agents of the Gospel? Well, when you engage with people in your home, or over a meal, or at their child’s T-ball game, or in most any place that is away from the church pews, it transforms you from a spectator to a player-from a consumer to a producer. Community is one way we express our faith in action.  It means doing life with people outside of your immediate family. We are a military family, now retired. In that business, we moved a handful of times. That did not stop us from forming the kind of community in our lives that propped us up emotionally and spiritually. Indeed, that career demanded it. In those years of frequent transition and change, we formed communities literally home and abroad that helped sustain our marriage and our family life. Those communities were composed of diverse and fascinating people. Undoubtedly some of them were very similar to us in every way, but many of them were very different-different in ethnicity, politics, and religion. In fact, the four years we lived in Germany, we were never able to come home for Thanksgiving, so we exploited that opportunity to share our holiday celebrations with our neighbors who included German, Dutch, French, Canadian, and American. As we gazed around that table of God given bounty, and not just food, but the bounty of fellowship, with our own children serving our invited guests, I was reminded of the parable of the wedding banquet in Luke 14. The prep for that banquet began with an expectation of guests who looked a lot like Jesus but ended up being just the opposite.  As we shared food and fellowship around our own banquet table in our small village in Germany, it was overwhelming to think about how God blessed us with such camaraderie and hope as we had found in the most unlikely of friends. Language barriers be damned. And that is just the thing about true community. It strives to erase those barriers.  And not just language barriers, but cultural and social barriers. Community is often a real-life picture of Ephesians 2 which says “For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility.”     

Community also helped us survive those tough years of being newly married. I often tell people that Paul and I “grew up together” as young single adults and forward, in church small groups. Community gave us hope and encouragement when raising babies from infancy to young adult. Recently we went to a wedding for a daughter of one of those “old” friends. As well as a wedding, it was also a small reunion of our old life group, the one that started us on our way with babies, the one that propped us up emotionally and gave us the confidence necessary to handle that ginormous task of parenting. And at every season of parenting, I have relied on my community of sweet and loving mom friends who have the courage to hold me accountable while at the same time loving me unconditionally. 

Truly, the world inflicts much deeper wounds than what our skill set alone is able to reconcile. We were simply never hardwired to power through life on an island, single handedly fighting our way through the trials and hardships that life abundantly supplies. Likewise, we were not hardwired to revel in our joys alone. What parent ever said, “I hope no one asks me about my daughter’s latest accomplishments?” Said no parent ever! What person ever said” “I am keeping the news about my big promotion all to myself?” Not one person ever! Community invites us into a place of utter refuge, a place of hope, a place of unspeakable joy, a place where DNA isn’t required and where-thank you Jesus-the every-day, unrelenting evil of this world cannot breech the threshold of those who surround us with such deep and abiding love and acceptance. In Zephaniah 3:9 the Lord said, “Then I will purify the lips of the peoples, that all of them may call on the name of the Lordand serve him shoulder to shoulder.”Is that not one of the most beautiful pictures of community you have ever seen in the written Word? Just imagine a group of people who do life together shoulder to shoulderso much so that when the going gets tough, the tough can still get going.  

Paul the apostle understood the value and necessity of community as well as anyone. His tearful separation from the Ephesian elders at the close of Acts 20 is underscored by Luke’s words in Verse 1 of the following chapter, “After we had torn ourselves away from them, we put out to sea.”  This preempted their arrival and layover in Tyre where the bible says, “We sought out the disciples there and stayed with them seven days. Through the Spirit they urged Paul not to go on to Jerusalem.  When it was time to leave, we left and continued on our way. All of them, including wives and children, accompanied us out of the city, and there on the beach we knelt to pray. After saying goodbye to each other, we went aboard the ship, and they returned home.” Wow. That’s some serious community.

If you are someone who is “community-less,” ask yourself a couple of introspective questions:  1) Am I a person who walks in and out of the spaces and places of my life, including my church, without interacting with anyone or without investing any of myself, my gifts, or my time in that place?  OR  2) Am I so hungry for community that I am over-involved in so many “small groups” that I have not the time or energy necessary to invest in one or two of those groups on a personal, deep level?” Both of these situations can render you community-less.  Because remember what we said earlier: “Community happens when we invest in that group on a deeper level than what is rendered by humdrum greetings and superficial engagements;” and it requires“personal disclosure and quality time spent together.” Neither of these two aforementioned situations (under involvement or over involvement) allow for this.  

In his poem penned in the 16thcentury John Donne said, “No man is an island, entire of itself.”  I think Donne was so so right. You might say, I cannot afford either the time or the emotional investment of community.” I say, “you cannot afford the loss that is sure to happen without it.” I don’t think human life can sustain itself without community.

And as a final important thought, if you are a parent, the last thing you want to do is to send your kids out into this chaotic, cruel world community-less. Kids who have never had community modeled for them, or who have never lived their lives this way, often become church casualties. If they have spent their whole lives leading up to college surrounded only by their immediate family, even if that included “regular” church attendance, will they know how to form the kinds of relationships away from home that love them so much they are willing to hold them accountable, and to laugh with them when they laugh, and cry with them when they cry? Relationships that steer them toward God, not away? I fear not. We must have a sense of urgency when it comes to equipping our kids to embrace true community. 

Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, it does not matter.  I’m more introvert than extrovert. I tend to recharge alone-not together. I often seek out solitude when my life is in overdrive. But undoubtedly, I enthusiastically seek out God given, and God ordained community when I need hope, help and truth; conviction, love and joy!